The Continual Fight

A while back, I posted about my Battle With Depression. I felt at the time that this was something that I had under control, or was simply in my past. These last few months have been a continual fight to stay happy, or even melancholy. Just NOT upset, or sad, or angry for no particular reason.

On Friday I took Hubby to the doctor. He has a really bad ear infection, and is getting over an infection from either a Tick bite, or West Nile. So on Saturday, he really didn't feel good. I decided that I was going to get the house clean. Which shouldn't have been too hard, considering I had just cleaned the majority of it for dinner with the missionaries. But the kids had decided that at 1 in the morning, they were going to wake up, and build forts in their room. They woke Hubby and me up, in the process, and I didn't get back to sleep for a while. So I was not in a very happy mood to start the day with anyway. I got up, and started to pick up the kid's room, but got angry with how messy it was (3 kids in one room, isn't easy!), so I moved on to the kitchen. There were dishes that needed to be washed, counters to wipe down, and I still needed to cook that day! My mood just spiraled. I had to take care of the house, the kids, the hubby, and I felt completely drained. I snapped. To put it lightly. I snapped. I was screaming, not just yelling, that things were a mess, but SCREAMING. I eventually excused myself, and laid in bed for a while. I was angry, and I really couldn't understand why.

When I was in Elementary School, I was in a class for gifted learners. It was to help kids that were learning quicker than the other kids not get bored. One of the classes I took was about emotions. We talked about how anger is a secondary emotion. That there is ALWAYS a primary emotion that we cover up with anger. Sometimes we know what that primary emotion is, disappointment, sadness, jealousy, just to name a few. Other times we don't. We hide that primary emotion with anger, and want to protect ourselves from it. It's lame to think back to Elementary School to cope with emotions, but that is what I did on Saturday. I tried to think of that primary emotion. And I could not come up with anything. I took a shower, and got myself ready for the day. Then I did as Hubby suggested and went to the Temple.

I had a 35 minute drive to get to the temple, and by the time I got there, I was too late to do a session, so I decided to do Initiatory's. This would take less time, but I could still be in the temple. While I was there, I felt better. I felt peace. I was serving again. After about an hour I walked out of the temple. But instead of feeling that peace, as soon as I walked out the doors, all of my troubles were back. It was frustrating! I felt all of this turmoil, but I couldn't put words to what or why I was feeling it. I wandered around town for a little bit, before heading home to make dinner, and step back into my life.

While I was driving, I talked to Hubby on the phone. I just dumped on him. Yup, I unloaded my burdens onto him. What it came down to was this: I am not enough. I'm not enough to take care of EVERYTHING (even though I don't take care of everything, obviously, because Hubby was sick, and I just walked out of the house for the afternoon, with no plans on when I would come back, and he was fine with it). I'm not enough to figure out lunch and dinner everyday, and make it, and clean up after it. I am not enough to keep the kids happy everyday, and come up with fun things for them to do EVERYDAY, like you see on Pinterest. I'm not enough to take care of Hubby when he is sick. I am not enough to take care of myself. I am not enough.

Hubby kept telling me that I am enough. That I am more than enough to him. More than enough to the kids. The next sentence that came out of my mouth was more telling of where I have been at mentally than any other.

If when I look in the mirror, or inside myself, I am not enough for me, how can I be enough for anyone else?

Our conversation ended abruptly when a light bulb was knocked over, and shattered on the floor, and I was left with my own thoughts the rest of the drive. I am not going to lie, I thought at the time about just running away (how childish, right?), I thought about not going home. About how they would be better if I wasn't there screaming at them all the time. But as soon as those thoughts entered my mind, I had another very distinct thought come to my mind. "Ciera, who's idea of "Enough" are you thinking of?" I had to think about that for a little while. What definition was I following? What was I judging myself based on? Pinterest? Perfection? Facebook? My own? I was judging myself based on everyone else's best. I was taking the worst parts of myself and lining them up with the best of others.

I didn't measure up to that. I couldn't! No one could! Another thought came to my mind, "I made you, and you are ENOUGH to me!" God made me. He created me. He wouldn't make something less than enough.

When I dealt with Depression before, I knew people. I could go out of my way to help those around me. Now I don't know people. I don't know where needs are. I am trying to serve others, but it is difficult right now. I am not in the same situation as before.

I decided Sunday morning, as I woke up that I was going to be happy. I was going to choose how I wanted to feel. Hubby was still sick, the kids still needed me, the kitchen still needed to be finished being cleaned. But I was going to be HAPPY!

Choices are funny that way. While anger is a secondary emotion, that we don't always consciously chose, but continually use to hide our true emotions. Happiness is an emotion that we sometimes have to CHOOSE to feel to help us accept who and what we are.

My continuous fight, is making that choice. Choosing to be happy. Choosing to feel ENOUGH, and maybe one day, I won't have to choose anymore. I'll truly believe it.