When I turned 12, and started 7th grade, my parents had a rule that all of the kids had to play an instrument in the Junior High School Band. My 2 older brothers both played, one played the Trumpet and one played the Saxophone. When it was my turn to pick an instrument, I had no idea what to choose. My oldest brother, the Trumpet playing one, told me to play the oboe. I didn't even know what an oboe was. I read the paper that the band teacher gave to me when I signed up for Summer Band class and hadn't decided what to play yet, and it said that you needed long fingers (check), excellent breathing capacity (um... does asthma count?), and an okay singing voice (HAHA!!!). Well, I decided to listen to my brother and decided to give the oboe a chance.
The first year or so that I played, I honestly sounded like a duck. Laugh, it's okay. I do! I can specifically remember my brother (the same one that insisted I play this particular instrument) shutting my door, and moving to the other end of the house while I practiced, so that he wouldn't have to listen to me! I was not very good, but I loved to play. I understood the music, and felt like I could really express myself through it. By the time I was in 9th grade, I was actually starting to sound okay! I worked very hard at playing, and my piano teacher talked my parents into getting me a private teacher. I started to take lessons, and was preparing to go to a district solo festival, which my piano teacher was accompanying me at, when she heard a recording of my oboe teacher, and told my parent's I needed a new teacher, because I was better than her! I had practiced, and worked so hard, that I was better than my teacher. I went to that festival and was rated a 1+, which is the highest you can get.
I found a new teacher, started going to lessons with her once a week. I auditioned for the high school band, and I actually got into the top Symphonic Band, and got First Chair (the principal/solo playing) Oboe! I was so excited. There were 3 oboes in our band, and I got First Chair, the Second and Third Chair were both older than me, and I felt amazing! My hard work was paying off.
One day I was practicing, I would practice everyday for around 2 hours, and my brother (yup, the same one) came into my room, and sat on my bed, and listened to me practice. He sat there for the rest of my practice time, probably about 30 minutes, and just watched and listened to me play. I don't think he remembers that, it probably didn't mean much to him, but to me it was everything. To me I had finally gotten good enough that I no longer sounded like a duck! I sounded good.
I kept playing all through High School, I was offered a full-ride scholarship, and turned it down and got married instead. I stopped playing for a few years. I focused on kids, and Hubby, and thought for a while that I had lost everything that I had worked so hard at. I finally started playing again in about October, and performed for the first time in an Orchestra Setting in December when we played "Handel's Messiah". I am now playing with a smaller group playing "Bach's Magnificat".
My point in this story is that just because you feel like you have lost something, or a part of you, doesn't mean that you really have. You can always go back. I have had to work hard, I'm not where I was in High School. I did lose some things. Like terminology for instance. But with more hard work, I can gain it all back.
I am teaching now, and my true hope is that one day I can tell my student that she is better than me! I would love to teach someone to the point that I really can't go anymore.
Don't give up. Keep working. Pick up something that you put down. Start again!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Loss...
Many of you know already that I have had 4 miscarriages. I have never had a D & C for my miscarriages, but I have felt the loss and sting of losing a prayed for child. It is more painful that anyone ever gives it credit for.
Before Hubby and I were even engaged, my doctor told me that I needed to get pregnant within 1 year. He told me that it was going to be a miracle if I could get pregnant at all. Well, I went to then Boyfriend, and basically said, "Hey, are we going to get married? Because if we are, then we need to now, and if we aren't then I'm going to find someone that does want to marry me!" (Kinda forward, I know) He said, "It's not time for us to get married yet, but one day, we will." It was on December 8 of that year, that he proposed to me! YAY!
We got married 2 short months later, and then the hard stuff started! I had a dream, I say dream, but I really mean nightmare, I woke up very upset. I dreamed that I had twins. Twin boys. But one of them died, and the doctor wouldn't let me hold him. He took him away, and I only got a glimpse of his sweet face. He was perfect, and he was beautiful. He was everything and more than I had ever asked for or wanted. But I didn't get to keep him. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get to touch, or feel him. I didn't get any of that.
I woke up crying, I was so sad and so upset. Hubby didn't know what to do. We were newlyweds! We hadn't been married for more than 48 hours, and here I was saying that we needed to have a baby right now! We waited about 2 months before we officially started "trying", and it wouldn't take too long until we were expecting!
We were so excited, and both of us were absolutely positive the little baby I was carrying was a boy. We both knew it, and were elated. We were like a lot of people and wanted to wait until we were 13 weeks along, and out of the "danger" zone of the 1st trimester before we told anyone. But we never got that chance.
In August, I lost the baby. We were crushed. It was very hard, and very sad. I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that it was my fault. I am supposed to be able to carry a child. My body is made to carry a child. But here I was childless, and unable to do that. Hard. Very Hard. It was a dark, dark time for me. We moved around the same time as our miscarriage, and started our lives over. I wanted a baby so much, and so did Hubby. We were in that mechanical, we're-trying-but-we're-losing-ourselves-in-it, phase. It wasn't until December that I got pregnant with Little Man. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem like we tried that long, but when you're in the mist of it all, believe me, it is a long time!
After we had Little Man, we decided not to prevent getting pregnant again for too long. We lost 2 more babies before getting pregnant with Tiny. He was a blessing, and came at the perfect time. But the loss of those 2 babies are forever imprinted in my heart.
We had Baby Girl just over a year after Tiny. She came before any miscarriages, which I am thankful for. But when she was only 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact we were trying to NOT get pregnant. This little baby was coming though. She was coming. We were very excited once again, but before we told anyone, she was gone. Just as quickly as she came, she left. Baby Girl's little sister was no more. She was one more scar on my already taped together heart.
Two days after Baby Girl's 2nd birthday, I had an emergency Hysterectomy. I can no longer have children. I will never again feel the flutter of life in my tummy. I will never feel the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test again. I will never hold my newborn baby close to my chest again. I will never hold my newborn flesh and blood again. I am 26. I am forever infertile. I am forever barren. I have no chance of ever becoming a mother that way again.
But I will become a mother again. I will! I have lost 4 babies. I have 3 amazing children now. I have a loving husband. I have a great life. I have a righteous desire to become a mother just one more time. We will be adding one more child to our lives, and to our home. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but we will. We will adopt a child. We will. One day. I am looking forward to that day. I am praying for that day.
My loss has been hard. I pray for those little babies every day. I cry for them, and I miss them. I know they are waiting for me, and I just have to hold up my end and live faithfully, so that I can be with them, and raise them, and love them, and hug them, and hold them. Even though those losses were and are hard, I am learning from them.
Loss is something we all have to deal with . It is something that we all have to face. But not in the same ways. We all go through these hard things. We all experience something that we feel like we can never get through, and that no one will ever understand, but by going through those things, we are able to relate to someone else when they go through hard things. We are given certain experiences to give us experience. To build our faith.
Life is hard, but it is worth it!
Before Hubby and I were even engaged, my doctor told me that I needed to get pregnant within 1 year. He told me that it was going to be a miracle if I could get pregnant at all. Well, I went to then Boyfriend, and basically said, "Hey, are we going to get married? Because if we are, then we need to now, and if we aren't then I'm going to find someone that does want to marry me!" (Kinda forward, I know) He said, "It's not time for us to get married yet, but one day, we will." It was on December 8 of that year, that he proposed to me! YAY!
We got married 2 short months later, and then the hard stuff started! I had a dream, I say dream, but I really mean nightmare, I woke up very upset. I dreamed that I had twins. Twin boys. But one of them died, and the doctor wouldn't let me hold him. He took him away, and I only got a glimpse of his sweet face. He was perfect, and he was beautiful. He was everything and more than I had ever asked for or wanted. But I didn't get to keep him. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get to touch, or feel him. I didn't get any of that.
I woke up crying, I was so sad and so upset. Hubby didn't know what to do. We were newlyweds! We hadn't been married for more than 48 hours, and here I was saying that we needed to have a baby right now! We waited about 2 months before we officially started "trying", and it wouldn't take too long until we were expecting!
We were so excited, and both of us were absolutely positive the little baby I was carrying was a boy. We both knew it, and were elated. We were like a lot of people and wanted to wait until we were 13 weeks along, and out of the "danger" zone of the 1st trimester before we told anyone. But we never got that chance.
In August, I lost the baby. We were crushed. It was very hard, and very sad. I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that it was my fault. I am supposed to be able to carry a child. My body is made to carry a child. But here I was childless, and unable to do that. Hard. Very Hard. It was a dark, dark time for me. We moved around the same time as our miscarriage, and started our lives over. I wanted a baby so much, and so did Hubby. We were in that mechanical, we're-trying-but-we're-losing-ourselves-in-it, phase. It wasn't until December that I got pregnant with Little Man. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem like we tried that long, but when you're in the mist of it all, believe me, it is a long time!
After we had Little Man, we decided not to prevent getting pregnant again for too long. We lost 2 more babies before getting pregnant with Tiny. He was a blessing, and came at the perfect time. But the loss of those 2 babies are forever imprinted in my heart.
We had Baby Girl just over a year after Tiny. She came before any miscarriages, which I am thankful for. But when she was only 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact we were trying to NOT get pregnant. This little baby was coming though. She was coming. We were very excited once again, but before we told anyone, she was gone. Just as quickly as she came, she left. Baby Girl's little sister was no more. She was one more scar on my already taped together heart.
Two days after Baby Girl's 2nd birthday, I had an emergency Hysterectomy. I can no longer have children. I will never again feel the flutter of life in my tummy. I will never feel the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test again. I will never hold my newborn baby close to my chest again. I will never hold my newborn flesh and blood again. I am 26. I am forever infertile. I am forever barren. I have no chance of ever becoming a mother that way again.
But I will become a mother again. I will! I have lost 4 babies. I have 3 amazing children now. I have a loving husband. I have a great life. I have a righteous desire to become a mother just one more time. We will be adding one more child to our lives, and to our home. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but we will. We will adopt a child. We will. One day. I am looking forward to that day. I am praying for that day.
My loss has been hard. I pray for those little babies every day. I cry for them, and I miss them. I know they are waiting for me, and I just have to hold up my end and live faithfully, so that I can be with them, and raise them, and love them, and hug them, and hold them. Even though those losses were and are hard, I am learning from them.
Loss is something we all have to deal with . It is something that we all have to face. But not in the same ways. We all go through these hard things. We all experience something that we feel like we can never get through, and that no one will ever understand, but by going through those things, we are able to relate to someone else when they go through hard things. We are given certain experiences to give us experience. To build our faith.
Life is hard, but it is worth it!
Friday, January 3, 2014
10 Things To Do This Year
This year I am giving myself 10 things to do. Not resolutions, because I feel like I never keep resolutions anyway! I guess I just don't have much resolve... Hmmm... I think that's another post altogether! Anyway, 10 things for me to do this year!
1. Keep the house cleaned for a whole month! Like everyday, keep it picked up, and clean enough that I'm not totally stressed and embarrassed when people drop by unexpectedly! And I don't have to spend a whole day cleaning before people come over announced!
2. Go on a vacation with my family! We have never been on a vacation, just us. We have been overnight camping a few times, or to families' houses, but never on a vacation. Even it is just camping for a few days, just get away from being connected to everyone and everything, that would be amazing!
3. Schedule monthly dates with my hubby! We don't go on dates much because, well, they cost money. And money is a hot commodity around here! We usually go for special occasions, like Stake Temple Day (going to the Temple with other members of the church from our area), birthday's and... yup... That's it... So MONTHLY DATE NIGHT!
4. Create my own Crochet pattern. Sounds fun. Sounds difficult. Sounds... Time consuming! I'm So Excited!
5. Spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every month. Like an hour that just Mom or Dad go out with them every month.
6. Give Hubby time to himself! He needs breaks too, just like me, and I am going to find time to do that for him! Even if it's just shoving him in the garage with his wood and tools for the night after he gets home from work.
7. Potty Train Baby Girl. She is almost there, but not quite. I am going to work with her, and help her potty train, so we can be done with diapers!
8. Start doing family history. I am going to learn how to use all the cool websites out there, and find my lost ancestors!
9. Get out of debt. I am going to work really hard to pay off all of our medical bills, and pay off our car, and everything else we can! I really want to be debt free.
10. Start an adoption fund. I want to adopt a child. Some one that is 6+ months to 2 years old. I don't care boy or girl, race, or anything like that. I just want one more, and I need to save some of that hot commodity (money) to be able to do that!
Those are my "To-Do's of 2014"! What are yours? Do you make resolutions? Do you trim down your list of things to do? Do you not do anything special this time of year? I am hoping that by writing these down, it will hold me to it!
Good luck in the New Year!
1. Keep the house cleaned for a whole month! Like everyday, keep it picked up, and clean enough that I'm not totally stressed and embarrassed when people drop by unexpectedly! And I don't have to spend a whole day cleaning before people come over announced!
2. Go on a vacation with my family! We have never been on a vacation, just us. We have been overnight camping a few times, or to families' houses, but never on a vacation. Even it is just camping for a few days, just get away from being connected to everyone and everything, that would be amazing!
3. Schedule monthly dates with my hubby! We don't go on dates much because, well, they cost money. And money is a hot commodity around here! We usually go for special occasions, like Stake Temple Day (going to the Temple with other members of the church from our area), birthday's and... yup... That's it... So MONTHLY DATE NIGHT!
4. Create my own Crochet pattern. Sounds fun. Sounds difficult. Sounds... Time consuming! I'm So Excited!
5. Spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every month. Like an hour that just Mom or Dad go out with them every month.
6. Give Hubby time to himself! He needs breaks too, just like me, and I am going to find time to do that for him! Even if it's just shoving him in the garage with his wood and tools for the night after he gets home from work.
7. Potty Train Baby Girl. She is almost there, but not quite. I am going to work with her, and help her potty train, so we can be done with diapers!
8. Start doing family history. I am going to learn how to use all the cool websites out there, and find my lost ancestors!
9. Get out of debt. I am going to work really hard to pay off all of our medical bills, and pay off our car, and everything else we can! I really want to be debt free.
10. Start an adoption fund. I want to adopt a child. Some one that is 6+ months to 2 years old. I don't care boy or girl, race, or anything like that. I just want one more, and I need to save some of that hot commodity (money) to be able to do that!
Those are my "To-Do's of 2014"! What are yours? Do you make resolutions? Do you trim down your list of things to do? Do you not do anything special this time of year? I am hoping that by writing these down, it will hold me to it!
Good luck in the New Year!
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