I Am A Horrible Example

Growing up is hard, don't you think? I know that when I was growing up, a lot of things happened that really hurt my self-esteem. I had "friends" or people that I thought were friends that would turn around and tease me for things. I had a boyfriend that made sure I knew just how lucky I was to be in HIS life, and how easily he could walk away and date someone much prettier than me. (He was doing me such a huge favor by even being seen in public with me!) I had teachers that didn't always believe in me, and I had the experiences that most people do.

When you are faced with judgments, both verbally and non-verbally, everyday it is hard! I am grateful for the experiences I had, so that I can be empathetic for my kids, and I will know what to look for with them, and how to help them. But on the other hand, I really wish that I hadn't ever dated that guy, I really wish I could have understood who my "friends" were a lot sooner, and I really wish I hadn't taken EVERY SINGLE WORD to heart!

I have a problem you see, one that I'm sure some of you have too. I have seen posts about this problem floating around the blogosphere, and Facebook for sometime, and I am jumping on board the bandwagon! I am raising my hand, saying, "I have the same problem!"

Negative talk. Negative feelings about myself. Negative words spill out of my mouth about myself everyday. The thing is, I don't even realize I'm saying anything, or doing anything, until afterwards. Until my husband gets that exasperated look on his face, or a sad, "I wish you wouldn't say that, I think you're beautiful" is said. I say things so often, that I don't even realize it. I don't notice it. But if my kids say anything negative about themselves, or anyone else, I am always the first to correct them. The first to tell them to stop, or apologize, and say something nice instead.

It hurts me to hear my babies say anything bad about themselves or eachother. It hurts me. I can't imagine why they would think any of those things, or say any of those things without thinking them, when I think they are perfect. And it hurts. I created them. I grew them in my body for almost 9 months (All three were early)! I worked hard to feed them, clothe them, change them, tell them how amazing, smart, and cute they all are, and with one word, one phrase, they tear that all down. They take those building blocks of love that my hubby and I have carefully placed, and break them. One negative word can replace a thousand positive ones. Right?

I can have 10 people tell me that I did something great, and 1 person say that they didn't like it, and what do I go to sleep thinking about? That 1 person. How could I have done something different? What didn't they like? What can I change next time? Do I even want to try next time? Who cares about the 10 that loved it, when there was that 1 didn't.

I'm a horrible example to my kids. I am. I show them exactly what not to do, and when they follow my footsteps, I get mad at them. What kind of a mother does that? I have a lot of self image issues. A lot of them. I have a lot of self-doubt.

When I was in school, I had to be the best, just to prove that I was good enough at anything. I had to be the smartest, or at least make people think I was the smartest. I had to be right about everything, I had to be something. I wasn't satisfied being second at anything. Today I still have a lot of those same issues. I can't just sit and listen to a lesson in church, I have to add my 2 cents. I have to comment somehow, and if I don't get the "Right" response I think about how I could have commented better! How sad! In fact I made a comment a few months ago, MONTHS people, and I didn't say what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to say it, and I have been mulling over it for MONTHS!

I am telling you all right now, that I am not perfect. I am not the best at everything, in fact if you came over to my house right now, you'd see toys on the floor, laundry piled up in the laundry room, shoes out, dishes waiting to be washed, the whole 9-yards! My home-making skills are definitely lacking in that area. But just because I am not perfect, or the best, or number 1, does not mean that I am not enough!

I am enough. There are things I can and am working on. Like no more negative self-talk, don't get so upset about some toys on the ground, hug my babies more, and take time for just Hubby and me. But I am enough just the way I am. I don't need to remember every negative experience I had growing up. I don't need to remind myself everyday that I could stand to lose some weight. I don't need to do that. I am ENOUGH!

You are enough too. Always remember that. You are enough. There are people in this world that love you, because of who you are. Not because of who you can become, but who you are RIGHT NOW.

We are enough.

"Facebook Perfect"

I have seen a lot of discussion about people only posting good and positive things on social media sites. Almost everything I have seen about this topic, is how people need to be more honest about how their lives really are, and stop showing this "fake" facade about their lives. I have something to say about that, and I probably won't be very popular because of it.

I honestly don't want to post about all of the hard, terrible, or crappy things that happen in my life. I would rather put on that "happy face" and show the good in my life. Not because I want people to think I'm perfect, but because I want to remind myself daily of the good in my life. I will openly admit that I am guilty of cropping a photo to not show a mess in the background, or to not post a photo for the same reason. I am guilty of not posting hard things, and not showing my pain in status updates. I have been known to not put my troubles out for the public to see and read, and judge. I don't believe in airing my "Dirty laundry" for everyone to see. Sure every once in a while I will post small things. I will post something hard or difficult.

But I mostly post good things. And why not? Why not say that my life is great? Why not show the positive side of my life? Why not focus on the good? Why not?

Have you ever noticed that there are people that only post about the bad things in their lives? What are the thoughts that pass through your head when you read those posts? Are they happy thoughts? Are they good thoughts? Are they thoughts that make you want to have a life like that? Does it make you smile? I know that it doesn't do any of that for me. I come away from posts like that thinking, "Wow. Is their life really that hard? Is there nothing good going on? Is there nothing happy? I feel so bad for him/her/them. I wish there was something I could do to help. I wish that there was some way to make them feel better." Sometimes there is something I can do, and in those instances I do, I help, I say a kind word, or drop by, or call, but most of the time I can't do anything. I can't help. I can't do anything. My call would make things worse. My words would fall on deaf ears. My good intentions could be misconstrued. I try to help when I am needed, when a concern is voiced, and when a voice is not concerned, I still try to lend a helping hand when I can, but there are times when people don't want help.

So why not be "Facebook perfect"? Why not show our best side? Why not talk about the good? Why not? Why show the bad, the terrible, the crappy, the hard? Why focus on that? I'm going to focus on the good. Because even when life is hard, I choose to focus on the positive! I hope that you will too!

Merry Christmas!

Every year, I try to focus on Christ more than I do Santa.

Of course Santa plays a role at our house, and we talk about him, visit him, and get gifts from him, but he is NOT the reason we celebrate. And my children know that.

Christ is the reason for Christmas. I can remember one day growing up, when my oldest brother was in Seminary (an LDS class that is optional for students to take either during school, or before school), he came home and said, "Never write "X-mas", because you are crossing out the reason for the whole season." I never wrote that again. That simple statement has stayed with me. Christ came to this world for us. He came for you! He came for me!

I was speaking with my Bishop (Our spiritual leader for our area), the other day, and he said, "Do you know what is so amazing about the Atonement? That even if everyone else is the world was perfect, if no one else had ever made any mistakes, no one had ever sinned, no one had ever felt pain, or suffering, no one else, except for me. Christ would still have gone to Gethsemane. He would have still hung on that cross. He would have still suffered for my sins, my pains, and my problems. He would have done it all. He wants us all to live with him again, and would have done everything just for ME!"

That's pretty cool to think about, right? He loves us so much that he wouldn't have changed his mind to save just one person. He would still have suffered all of that, for me. Wow. I can't get it out of my head!

Christ came to this earth with a divine mission. He knew that he had something great to fulfill, and never turned from it.

I have been thinking a lot about the Shepherds on that Amazing night. How must it have been for them to go see the Christ Child, the Lamb of God, and know that he was their Shepherd? Ever thought about that? Shepherds, the men charged with keeping the Temple's flock of First Born Sheep, for sacrifice, were PERSONALLY invited to see the Savior, our SHEPHERD! Christ was the first-born to Mary, the first-born of the LIVING GOD, and he was born to be the final sacrifice for our sins, and save our lives. I keep thinking about how symbolic the entire event is now. How each person there played a significant role. Wise men/Kings came with Great Gifts, and yet Shepherds came with humble hearts and nothing to give but themselves. Somehow I think that both groups were accepted with open arms and gratitude. On that night, everyone was equal. On that night, Christ united them all.

This Christmas, let Christ unite us too! Let Christ truly be the reason for your Christmas Celebrations.

Have a Merry Christmas, and always remember that without Christ there would be no CHRISTMAS!

Curve Balls

Life throws curve balls at us. Notice that? We can feel like everything is going great, and then suddenly it's not. We can be having the worst day, and then it gets worse. Or we can be having the worst day and then it gets better!

Suddenly life turns on it's end, and even though every situation doesn't change, one does, and it's not as horrible.

That happened to us tonight. Life is stressful. Life is hard. I think that's kind of the point of it though, to be hard. To work hard, to learn how to deal with stress, to learn how to cope with everything that is thrown our way. To make mistakes, grow from them, and not repeat them.

I have been worried about getting Christmas for my kids. I have been stressed about providing enough for them that we still have a roof over our head. I have been putting a lot of my energy into worrying and stressing, and it's really not good. Well, life turned on it's head tonight. Life flipped upside-down for us, even for just a moment.

The doorbell rang, shortly after we walked in the door after running to the store, and by the time I opened it, no one was there. The only thing there was a small golden box. It was really light when I picked it up. I opened it, and all I saw was yellow tissue paper. I pulled out the paper and in the bottom of the box was this note: " Christmas is coming- in fact, it's almost here. Everyone can use some extra cash this time of year. I know it isn't much, but I hope that you will see the heartfelt Christmas wishes to your family from me. Merry Christmas!"

Below that little note were 2 bills. A $100 and a $50. Someone just gave my family $150! The stress is still there, but the Lord is watching out for us. With Faith and Action, we'll be okay!

Sometimes life throws us curve balls, that make life better and easier!

Kindness of Strangers

With all of the horror and terror in the world, I find it amazing that people are still good!

The minority tends to outweigh the majority, because they are the ones that we tend to focus on, whether it is through the media, schools, or in our personal lives. It's sad that so much attention is spent on the minority like this. We hear the occasional  positive story on the news, or see one in the newspaper, but we hear by far more negative stories. What would happen to the world if we focused on the good? What differences would we see and experience?

For the last few days I have been waking up sicker than the day before. Hubby just got a new job, and although he'd love to stay home and take care of me, but he can't. So I've been taking care of myself and the 3 Little's. Last night I couldn't stop coughing, even after doing 2 breathing treatments, so Hubby went and got me some ice cream, and a cold drink, to help sooth my throat. I was hoping to wake up this morning and feel "all better", but no such luck! Instead I woke up feeling worse. I talked to Hubby and he wanted to take me to the Dr today, but we don't have insurance until next month at least. I agree with Hubby, and think I need to see a Dr. Going without a paycheck for a month is hard, and without the funds to pay for an appointment, I thought it would be impossible for me to go.

I talked in my last post about how awesome Facebook can be, and this is just one more reason why! I posted on a page for my town and asked if anyone knew of an office I could go to without having to pay too much. It was only maybe 20 minutes later that I had over 20 replies, and someone offering me their appointment at a FREE clinic on Saturday! This person obviously needed to go to the Dr too, but she was willing to give up her appointment for me. She even called the clinic, and told them to give me her appointment. She went above and beyond to help me out.

What would happen to the world, if stories like this were in the news every night? I'm sure it would change. People would see kindness and service as the norm, and start acting the same way. When people are recognized for doing horrible things, more people do horrible things. When people are recognized for doing amazing things, wouldn't the conclusion be that more people would do amazing things? I think so.

My belief is that we need to focus on the good, because people are good!

Lock Down?

I just got back from picking Little Man up from school. Yes, it is only 2:00 in the afternoon. Yes, he is in Afternoon Kindergarten. Yes, I did just drop him off at 12:30. And now he is home. He is safely climbing on my back with his younger brother and sister.

Facebook and social media are amazing tools. I was folding laundry and happened to look at my Facebook page, when I noticed that his school was on lock down. After doing some research, I found that there was an incident happening in the area with an armed gunman, and to keep the kids safe, all of the schools in the area were put on lock down. Even though Little Man was safe, and there really wasn't a threat to him or his school, as soon as the lock down was lifted, I got my other two little's in the car, and got Little Man.

Today's world is scary. It is always changing, and there are a lot of things that I cannot control, but when something like this happens, I will keep my children close to me. Little Man has a lot of anxiety. He has watched his Daddy get sick, and have surgery over and over again. He has had to stay with grandparents for weeks at a time while Daddy recovers, or Mommy recovers from surgery. He has had to tell us good-bye so much for time periods that he is unsure of. And it scares him now to go somewhere new. He gets upset to go to church class by himself. We can't show up too early to anything that he will go to by himself, or else he thinks about it too long and can't stay. He needs us to check on him multiple times a night, and would rather come into our room to use the bathroom during the night, that go in the one next to his room. He is so special, and has such an amazing spirit, and it breaks my heart that he has had to pay such a price while his Daddy got better.

Little Man has been my saving grace in many ways. He is the first to help me with things, even before I ask him. When he was asked what he was thankful for by my mom, he said, "Cleaning the toilets!" He is smart, and catches on to things easily. He has a tender heart and it's almost like he can read my thoughts most of the time.

My children, and all of the children in the world, are the gateway to Heaven. Like it says in Matthew 18:3-4, "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

“Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” Children  have pure faith. They have pure love. There have been many times when I have prayed with Little Man that he has strengthened my testimony.

One night before a carnival at his school, he prayed and invited Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to come to the carnival with him. He told them that it was going to be so much fun, and that he would love to introduce them to his friends! I talked to him afterward, and tried to explain that his prayer might not come true. He looked at me with faith in his little eyes, and said, "Yes, it will, Mom. I just prayed for it!" The next night as we went to his carnival, he couldn't stop talking about how excited he was to introduce everyone to his Heavenly Father and Jesus. I was starting to get really nervous, trying to come up with a way that I could help him not lose his faith. After being at the carnival for about a half an hour, it started to rain.  The carnival was all outside, except for the food, so most people headed indoors. Little Man wouldn't have it though! He started telling everyone that the rain was his Heavenly Father coming to his carnival. He was sending him Angel Kisses, because he was so busy and couldn't come in person.

He taught me a very important lesson that night. He taught me that it's all about how we look at situations. He could have easily been upset about his prayer not being answered the way he thought it should have been, or he could have seen it as a blessing. Children are our future, and if me taking my "baby" out of school 2 hours early, to make sure that he is safe, not just physically, but mentally is one way I can help preserve that future. I will do it! Everytime. Hands down. No questions asked.

To My Mother

I believe that we are put in situations to help us grow. There aren't any coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. I believe all of that. Do you?

I was going to write about an experience Stewart had once, but I think I'm going to save that one! It's a doozy! You'll be on the edge of your seat when I do share it with you. I haven't felt good today, so I am on some strong asthma medication right now, and shaking pretty bad, and I can't type well, and I don't want to make any mistakes, so today I'm going to write about something else.

I have asthma (hence the reason for the asthma medication!), and have had it all my life, although it wasn't diagnosed until I was about 10 years old. When I was younger, I would get Croup and end up sitting on the front porch for hours in the middle of winter with my mom. We would cuddle up in a blanket and listen to the dogs barking back to me! My mom still talks about how I would cough and get responses from the neighborhood dogs, because it sounded so similar to a barking dog. We never really talked much that I remember, because I couldn't breathe, but it was comforting to know that my mom was willing to sit there with me.

She always knew just what to do when my asthma got bad. I don't know if it was because of experience, or if it was simply her natural instinct, but what ever it was, she knew what to do. When I was in 5th grade, I was finally tested for asthma, and the doctor's confirmed what my mom had expected for years, that it was asthma, and that I needed medication to take care of it.

Mother's are like that, you know. THey know what to do in situations that they have never been in when it comes to their children. They have magical kisses that can fix any boo-boo, and hugs that can melt all your worries away. I have been pretty blessed to have 2 fantastic mothers in my life, my own mother and my hubby's mother. They have both been such great examples to me of what a mother should be.

When I started having children, so much was going on, I didn't have a chance to worry about whether I would be a good mom, until I already was one! Poor Little Man got to experience all of my mistakes, all of my over-protectiveness, and all of my crazies! (I know I still make mistakes, am over-protective, and crazy, but he got/gets the brunt of it all.) Now I worry all the time that I am not the kind of Mother that my Heavenly Father wants and expects me to be. I was reading a General Conference Talk from October 1973, by then Elder Thomas S. Monson, called Behold Thy Mother, and I came across this poem. It fits my life perfectly right now!

“‘I love you, Mother,’ said little John;

Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on,

And he was off to the garden swing,

Leaving his mother the wood to bring.

“‘I love you, Mother,’ said rosy Nell;

‘I love you better than tongue can tell’;

Then she teased and pouted full half the day,

Till her mother rejoiced when she went to play.

“‘I love you, Mother,’ said little Fan;

‘Today I’ll help you all I can;

How glad I am that school doesn’t keep!’

So she rocked the baby till it fell asleep.

“Then, stepping softly, she took the broom,

And swept the floor, and dusted the room;

Busy and happy all day was she,

Helpful and cheerful as child could be.

“‘I love you, Mother,’” again they said—

Three little children going to bed,’

How do you think that Mother guessed

Which of them really loved her best?

—Joy Allison

My children all love me, and each of them can fit John, Nell, and Fan, at different times of each day. They each have moments that they simply tell me that they love me, and that's enough. But there are other times that they also show me that they love me. Those moments are amazing!

As I am raising my own children, I am beginning to understand the true role of a mother. It is a sacred calling, and I am so grateful for my opportunity to fulfill my calling as a Mommy to my 3 little babies!