Challenges

Before Hubby's first surgery we had to fight with multiple doctors to even get one to take us seriously. We started with an ER doctor that referred us to a local Cardiologist. We went to him, and didn't feel like we were getting anywhere, so we switched to the only other Cardiologist in our small town. After meeting with him a few times, we convinced him to refer us to a Cardiologist about an hour away. We were pretty lucky to get in to see him pretty quickly, and he finally listened to us! We were able to get his surgery scheduled pretty quickly after that, and once he had the surgery, our lives started getting better! He had his surgery in June 2008, we had Little Man in August 2008, and Hubby went back to work in September 2008. So from May 2008 to September 2008, we had what we thought was the fight of our lives! When I look back at it, it doesn't seem like that long. I mean 4 months, not too bad, right?! But in those moments that we didn't know what was going to happen, that everything was up in the air, and nothing was certain, it felt like the end of the world.

Everyday we face challenges, maybe they aren't to the scale of the one Hubby and I faced, but they are there. Doesn't it feel like you are all alone sometimes? Doesn't it feel like no one really cares? Doesn't it feel like it will never end? I'm here to tell you that it does end. You aren't alone. And someone really cares. I know that God is always with us.

This is something that I have had to learn over and over again! In my last post, I talked about how I felt alone while fighting depression. I have felt alone many times, and it is so much easier to say that you aren't alone, someone knows and it will all end, than to actually feel that way during hard times. Believe me, I know! I have been thinking a lot about the atonement lately, and recently read a series of books that focused on Christ's years ministering. When Christ was in Gethsemane, he suffered for all of our sins, but he also felt all of our feelings. How amazing is that? He is uniquely qualified to empathize with us and for us, because he has literally felt all of our feelings. 

During the beginning of Hubby's sickness, I felt like we were living our lives right, and now we were being punished. I was so angry! I wanted nothing more than to make Hubby better, to have a healthy baby, and to return to our "normal" lives. I was going to church, I was praying, I was reading my scriptures. What more did I need to do? Honestly, the thoughts going through my mind during that time were not very good. I felt more anger at that time, than I ever had in my life. I broke down to Hubby in the middle of all of this. I had been feeling like I needed to be strong, that I couldn't show my emotions, and that I couldn't open up to anyone. After talking to Hubby I felt so much better! I learned a very important lesson that day. "But when ye pray, use not vain ^arepetitions," (Matthew 6:7) I had been praying, but I kept praying for the same thing. For Hubby to get better, for our lives to go back to what they were before. I started praying more earnestly, and asking for help learning what I needed to learn during this trial and that I would have the strength that I needed and that Hubby needed to make it through everything better than I was when I started. 

Slowly the anger faded, and changed to acceptance and understanding. Everything that my little family has faced has been for our good. We wouldn't be where we are today without them. When you face a challenge, try to remember that you aren't alone. Jesus Christ knows exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through. He loves you. He knows you by name! Think about that. HE KNOWS YOUR NAME! He knows your likes, your dislikes, your personality. He knows you! Don't hesitate to tell someone how you feel. PRAY! Speak your mind, tell your Father in Heaven you are angry. Tell him your thoughts, your concerns, and your fears. Things do get better. We always say at our house that we have been at rock bottom. We've been there, we've done that, and we survived! There isn't anywhere you can go but up! 

My Battle With Depression

When I was pregnant with Baby Girl, I had the worst depression I have ever had. I had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, let alone taking care of 3 boys (Hubby, Little Man, and Tiny)! They all depended on me, and I couldn't get myself to even get dressed. Of course when I was around other people, I put on a happy face, and I acted like everything was fine, because that's what you do, right? You cover up your true feelings, because if you don't people will think you're weak? WRONG! People, feelings are normal, and honestly, I would personally rather know that someone needs something, than find out after the fact! I'm sure that those of you that know me, and knew me back then, are scratching your heads, or are saying, "Really?" to yourselves. I'm a pretty good actor, so you probably didn't know.

What I am getting at though is how I got better! I talked about taking medication (which is there for a reason!), but I decided that it wasn't what I wanted or needed to do. I started taking Vitamin D, because it was the winter when I was at my worst, and I thought that some Vitamin D might do me some good, and I started diving into the Gospel. I lost myself in reading the Book of Mormon, and in serving others! I started to bake, which really started my passion of cupcakes, and taking things to neighbors. It got to the point that everytime I made anything, Little Man would ask me who we were taking it to! I decided that even though my life was difficult and nothing like I imagined it would be, everyone goes through hard times, and I needed to focus on helping others instead of feeling bad for myself.

I don't want to sound like I am telling people that have depression that it is something that you can just "Suck it up" or just "Get over", because it's not. It's hard. I have been on anti-depressants before and they are there to help, they sure helped me! It's like Elder Jefferey R. Holland said in the October 2013 General Conference, "Let me leave the extraordinary illnesses I have mentioned to concentrate on MDD—“major depressive disorder”—or, more commonly, “depression.” When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion. The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time,² and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."

What I am saying, is that sometimes the best medicine is service. Lose yourself in the service of others, think of what other people may be in need of, and always remember that even though your life is hard, you probably wouldn't want to trade with anyone else. Everyone has their trials, and honestly when it comes down to it, we're all pretty good actors, and don't tell how we really feel. Christ was always in the service of others, and He didn't have anything. He was a perfect example of not only serving others but allowing others to serve him. If you think about it, Christ didn't have a house of his own that he lived in while he was preaching, he was always travelling, and relied on everyone to feed him, and give him shelter. He never felt guilty, and he never apologized for it. He was grateful, and showed it by serving those who served him, and others around him. What a fantastic example! Don't apologize to people for needing service, or feel bad when someone does something kind for you. Instead pay it forward. 

My life isn't what I planned on, and I never expected or wanted to have depression,  but it's what happened. I'm better because of it, and I learned a lot about myself through it. I am so thankful and grateful for those that let me serve them, so I could lose myself!

Hello

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (find out more about my religion here). I was born into an active family, and raised in the church. I never questioned my faith or my parent's faith. I grew up believing everything I had been taught. I had the faith of a child, and it was AWESOME! You know that perfect faith, that what your parent's say something, and you believe it will happen, and then it does? That's the faith I had. I grew up, I got married in the Temple, and I started my little family of 2.

We wanted to make our little family of 2, and little family of 3, so just a few short months after getting married, we started to try to have a baby, and we got pregnant pretty quick! But, then I lost the baby. Shortly after that, I got pregnant with Little Man. I was 6 months pregnant when the unimaginable happened. The person that I loved the most in this world, my Hubby, got sick. He got really sick. It was hard. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I was being abandoned. I felt angry, abandoned, hurt, and lost. I had lived my life the way I was supposed to, and now everything was falling apart! I'd lost a baby, I was having a really hard pregnancy, and now I literally received a phone call saying, "Don't have a baby or anything, but you're husband is in an ambulance on his way to the hospital."

Life wasn't supposed to get to that point! At least not when I was 20! My Hubby was only 23, and his heart wasn't beating right. Talk about putting faith to the test. Life was flipped upside down in that one moment. I thought that my faith was strong. I thought that my knowledge of the Gospel was extensive. I thought that this whole "life" thing was WAY easier that it was always made out to be. Until that phone call, and then I realized that I was vastly unprepared for challenges.

Stewart was taken to the hospital that day, and his heart was shocked back into rhythm twice. I made a choice not long after that, that I was going to count EVERY blessing I was given! I vowed to pray more, to read my scriptures more, to serve more, and to think less about me, and more about others. I have slipped up a few times, and had MANY dark days, but I hope that I have lived up to my vow to myself. This is my journey. Written by me, as things happen and as they did happen. Welcome to my blog! I hope you join me along my Journey of Faith!