"THIS much!"

Have you ever heard kids say that? 

"Mommy, I love you THIS much!" While holding their little arms as wide as they can. My kids are big fans of this statement. They will come up to me and say it, then look at me expectantly until I say it back. Inevitably, we end up hugging, because our arms are just poised for it! 

I was thinking about this the other day after Baby Girl ran up to me, and we exchanged "I love you". Do you of another person who loves us "THIS much"? Of course our parents, our spouses, friends maybe, and family, but anyone else?

There is one person who loved us so much He died for us, with His arms outstretched.

Photo courtesy of: https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/crucifixion-christ-1138638?category=jesus-christ&lang=eng

It is no wonder we are told to have the faith of a child. Only a child could so innocently see the symbolism and truly love us "THIS much"!

Christ died for us, with his arms outstretched, and will gladly welcome us home the same way!

Photo courtesy of: https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/jesus-christ?lang=eng&start=1&end=40&order=

Headaches

Lately I've been getting headaches. I had one for over a week that ended up putting me in the hospital (I had a virus, and a kidney infection) overnight. I still get headaches, and I am not sure how to get rid of them completely, but I have learned how to live with them. I think there are many times in our lives that there is something wrong, and we don't think we can fix it, so we cope with it.

Do you think that is okay? I am not sure that I do... I feel like a hypocrite saying that, when it's exactly what I do. Maybe I am a hypocrite.

There are situations that we feel like we cannot change, but does that mean we live with them? Do we just cope with them? Honestly though, do we? Do you?

Let me give you an example:

Little Man was playing at a park a few days ago, and got some wood chips in his tennis shoes. He ran around for a little while with the chips bothering his feet, because it's is a big ordeal to untie his shoes, take them off, dump them out, put them back on, and re-tie them. Especially for him, since he is still figuring out the shoe tying business. He did eventually take them off though. He asked for help, and saved his poor feet from blisters and slivers, but it took him a while. He didn't want to give up his "fun times" playing on the playground.
After he got his shoes cleaned out, and his feet didn't hurt anymore, he had even more fun. He wasn't uncomfortable anymore. He didn't feel pain, or stabbing in his feet and wasn't worried about how he stepped.

Here's another example:

A clam gets a tiny grain of sand stuck in it, and while it is painful and uncomfortable, it deals with it for years. It adds layers to the grain of sand, and polishes it, until it is smooth, and beautiful.

Both situations have a something that was bothersome, both were uncomfortable, and they both handled the situation differently.

I think it depends on the situation we are in, but we need to face every situation with prayer.

Maybe you are in a difficult relationship. Maybe your job is more than you feel like you can handle. Maybe you are in a terrible living situation.

What ever it is, face it with faith, face it with confidence, and face it with grace.

I let my headache take over my life, and maybe, if I had gone to the doctor sooner, I could have gotten better quicker without needing to go to the hospital. I probably wouldn't be writing this post though. I learned from it, and I grew through it. It was a headache, but what I learned because of it, will hopefully help you learn without needing to experience the same thing!

My headaches aren't gone. I'm coping, I'm learning, and hopefully I am polishing myself to be something great!

Writing for Me

I received a lot of responses from my last post about being enough in my own eyes. I had people ask me if I was okay, asking if I was in trouble, thanking me for my honesty, thanking me for putting into words what others feel, but can't say, and just saying, "I know how you feel! I've been there, too!"

It made me stop and think about what I put out there on the internet. What I put on my own blog. I kept being asked if I needed anything, and if there was anything anyone could do. I stopped writing for a while. I stopped, because I was worried. I worried about what anyone and everyone would think. I thought that what I would say or write would make too much of an effect too many people. I have realized the past few days that it is a good thing to effect people. To hopefully make a change, a positive change. What I say, what I feel, and what I think matters.

I am going to write what I think, and what I feel. If you don't want to keep reading, because you don't like what I have to say, that's okay. I'll write, and post, and share, and hope people read, but I will do it for me, not for you. I will write what is on my mind, and what is in my heart, and I am going to start today.

Lately, I have been thinking about friendships. I have had a lot of friends in my life. I have had a few good friends, many terrible "friends", and a small handful of really amazing friends. I have also been in each one of those categories myself.

Growing up, I tried to be the good and amazing friend, I tried to be there for the people around me, going out of my way to be friends with the kids that didn't have many friends, or that were "different", and sometimes they were the same way with me. Sometimes they would not, and I would end up broken down, and searching for new friends. In High School, I found those good friends. I had a group of friends that were pretty amazing. There was one person that wasn't a good friend, and I gave this person a lot of chances, probably more than he deserved, and ended up worse off for it. I leaned on those other people around me to hold me up, and keep me standing. But, I also wasn't a good friend to some those friends. I was a really bad friend. I lost friends that I loved deeply. I made horrible decisions.

I grew up, graduated High School, went to college, got married, watched some of those friends get married, and some of them not. I grew up. I reached out to those people that I had hurt back in High School, and I apologized. It took me years to find some of those people, but I didn't stop looking, and I was finally able to ask for the forgiveness that I have been searching for. I may never hear back from some of those people, but I asked, and I am trying to make up for it now.

I am lucky. I have 2 people that I am not related to (or married to), that are the most AMAZING friends I have ever had. These 2 ladies, know who they are, and if they don't, then I'm not doing my job well enough! I have known Jessica for almost 6 years, and she is incredible! She is my outlet, and go-to person, the person I would call if I killed someone and needed help moving the body (not that I would ever kill anyone)! She could always call me in the same situation. I feel like I can tell her anything and everything.

And I have known Lydia, for about a year, and she is amazing too. She helped me when I felt alone, and we became friends from our very first conversation! Our kids love each other, in fact, Tiny always says he is going to marry her daughter!

I have learned a lot about good friendships, and bad friendships, but no matter what I  learn, I keep trying. I keep trying to put my best foot forward in every friendship. What would happen if everyone did that? And what if we all tried to ask forgiveness, and mend relationships? What if we wanted the best for everyone, no matter what?

I am still learning, I am still trying. I stumble, and I make mistakes, but I also succeed.

The Continual Fight

A while back, I posted about my Battle With Depression. I felt at the time that this was something that I had under control, or was simply in my past. These last few months have been a continual fight to stay happy, or even melancholy. Just NOT upset, or sad, or angry for no particular reason.

On Friday I took Hubby to the doctor. He has a really bad ear infection, and is getting over an infection from either a Tick bite, or West Nile. So on Saturday, he really didn't feel good. I decided that I was going to get the house clean. Which shouldn't have been too hard, considering I had just cleaned the majority of it for dinner with the missionaries. But the kids had decided that at 1 in the morning, they were going to wake up, and build forts in their room. They woke Hubby and me up, in the process, and I didn't get back to sleep for a while. So I was not in a very happy mood to start the day with anyway. I got up, and started to pick up the kid's room, but got angry with how messy it was (3 kids in one room, isn't easy!), so I moved on to the kitchen. There were dishes that needed to be washed, counters to wipe down, and I still needed to cook that day! My mood just spiraled. I had to take care of the house, the kids, the hubby, and I felt completely drained. I snapped. To put it lightly. I snapped. I was screaming, not just yelling, that things were a mess, but SCREAMING. I eventually excused myself, and laid in bed for a while. I was angry, and I really couldn't understand why.

When I was in Elementary School, I was in a class for gifted learners. It was to help kids that were learning quicker than the other kids not get bored. One of the classes I took was about emotions. We talked about how anger is a secondary emotion. That there is ALWAYS a primary emotion that we cover up with anger. Sometimes we know what that primary emotion is, disappointment, sadness, jealousy, just to name a few. Other times we don't. We hide that primary emotion with anger, and want to protect ourselves from it. It's lame to think back to Elementary School to cope with emotions, but that is what I did on Saturday. I tried to think of that primary emotion. And I could not come up with anything. I took a shower, and got myself ready for the day. Then I did as Hubby suggested and went to the Temple.

I had a 35 minute drive to get to the temple, and by the time I got there, I was too late to do a session, so I decided to do Initiatory's. This would take less time, but I could still be in the temple. While I was there, I felt better. I felt peace. I was serving again. After about an hour I walked out of the temple. But instead of feeling that peace, as soon as I walked out the doors, all of my troubles were back. It was frustrating! I felt all of this turmoil, but I couldn't put words to what or why I was feeling it. I wandered around town for a little bit, before heading home to make dinner, and step back into my life.

While I was driving, I talked to Hubby on the phone. I just dumped on him. Yup, I unloaded my burdens onto him. What it came down to was this: I am not enough. I'm not enough to take care of EVERYTHING (even though I don't take care of everything, obviously, because Hubby was sick, and I just walked out of the house for the afternoon, with no plans on when I would come back, and he was fine with it). I'm not enough to figure out lunch and dinner everyday, and make it, and clean up after it. I am not enough to keep the kids happy everyday, and come up with fun things for them to do EVERYDAY, like you see on Pinterest. I'm not enough to take care of Hubby when he is sick. I am not enough to take care of myself. I am not enough.

Hubby kept telling me that I am enough. That I am more than enough to him. More than enough to the kids. The next sentence that came out of my mouth was more telling of where I have been at mentally than any other.

If when I look in the mirror, or inside myself, I am not enough for me, how can I be enough for anyone else?

Our conversation ended abruptly when a light bulb was knocked over, and shattered on the floor, and I was left with my own thoughts the rest of the drive. I am not going to lie, I thought at the time about just running away (how childish, right?), I thought about not going home. About how they would be better if I wasn't there screaming at them all the time. But as soon as those thoughts entered my mind, I had another very distinct thought come to my mind. "Ciera, who's idea of "Enough" are you thinking of?" I had to think about that for a little while. What definition was I following? What was I judging myself based on? Pinterest? Perfection? Facebook? My own? I was judging myself based on everyone else's best. I was taking the worst parts of myself and lining them up with the best of others.

I didn't measure up to that. I couldn't! No one could! Another thought came to my mind, "I made you, and you are ENOUGH to me!" God made me. He created me. He wouldn't make something less than enough.

When I dealt with Depression before, I knew people. I could go out of my way to help those around me. Now I don't know people. I don't know where needs are. I am trying to serve others, but it is difficult right now. I am not in the same situation as before.

I decided Sunday morning, as I woke up that I was going to be happy. I was going to choose how I wanted to feel. Hubby was still sick, the kids still needed me, the kitchen still needed to be finished being cleaned. But I was going to be HAPPY!

Choices are funny that way. While anger is a secondary emotion, that we don't always consciously chose, but continually use to hide our true emotions. Happiness is an emotion that we sometimes have to CHOOSE to feel to help us accept who and what we are.

My continuous fight, is making that choice. Choosing to be happy. Choosing to feel ENOUGH, and maybe one day, I won't have to choose anymore. I'll truly believe it.

"The Days"

Dinnertime around here is my favorite time! It's a time that I really look forward to, because we all get to be together. Since Hubby got his new job, there have only been a few times that we haven't had dinner as a family, which wasn't the case with his former positions.

There have been studies that say sitting down to eat dinner together as a family at least 3 times a week lowers the chances that your children will drink alcohol, use drugs, or break most rules. My kids are young, but I want them to know that we care about them. That no matter how busy our day is, we are willing to listen to them, and they are the most important part of our lives. Raising kids is stressful. It's hard, and it seems unending (someone please tell me it gets at least a little easier)! There are so many things that parents need to teach their children. Things that are easier, like tying shoe laces (not easy to teach when your 5 year old doesn't want to pay attention), reading, writing, numbers, and colors. Then there are things that seem to the world to be harder. I say this, because so many kids are not being taught these things. The Golden Rule, clean up after yourself, say please and thank you, inside voice vs outside voice, helping others, helping yourself, and be responsible. I believe that we are all born good. After all we are created in the "likeness and image" of God! God MAKES us good, and our parents (grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, family members, guardians, etc) RAISE us to BE good!

This is why dinnertime is so special to me. See we have a little question and answer time that have with our kids. Someone gets to start "The Days" as my kids call it. Usually one of the kids asks us if they can start, and it goes something like this:
Little Man: "Tiny, how was your DAY?"
Tiny: "Good!" (Or if the answer is bad, we ask why, and how we can make tomorrow better)(They can answer anything they want, long, crazy, boring, fun, etc)
Little Man: "What was your FAVORITE part?"
Tiny: "Dad coming home!" (This is usually their answer, but they can again answer anything they want. Last night the missionaries ate with us, and Baby Girl said her favorite part of the day was having them over. Tiny will sometimes tell us that it is "This amazing meal!")
Little Man: "What are you THANKFUL for?"
Tiny: "My Mommy!" (We ask the kids to come up with something different than what they said the day before, so we get some interesting ones! Once it was the dinner table!)
Little Man: How did you HELP someone today?
Tiny: I helped Mommy pick up the clothes and put them in the laundry. (This one is harder, but since we added this question, I see my kids looking for ways to help people, because they know they are going to have to tell us about it at dinner!)
Little Man: What is one thing you LIKE about YOURSELF?
Tiny: I like my smile. (Last night it was his flips, Little Man liked that he can run fast, and Baby Girl likes her face!)

After Little Man finishes asking Tiny, Tiny gets to ask someone else. Everyone gets a chance to talk to everyone else. Sometimes things they say can lead to a story, like what led up to them helping someone, or why they like a particular thing about themselves. We like to add things to what they say too, and we tell them about our day as well. Our kids get ready for bed after dinner, and go to sleep soon after, so it is helpful for them to focus on all the good things that happened in their day, but have a chance to talk about things that maybe weren't so good.

Before school got out, Little Man would often tell us part of his day was bad, but the rest was good. We would talk about what made his day bad, and it was usually something to do with someone at school not sharing, or not wanting to play a certain game, and then we would talk about how to make the next day better. He would feel important because we talked to him, and treated him like he was responsible and smart, and we would feel like he trusted us enough to open up to us about what may seem like a small problem now, but in his eyes was big and affected his whole day. Hopefully as time goes on, he still shares things like this with us!

When we are visiting family, or like last night, when someone is visiting us, we still ask about "The Days". One of the kids start, and they usually ask a guest or someone that doesn't live with us. The first time someone hears the questions, they are always taken by surprise. They always get a shocked look on their face, and usually laugh and say things like, "Wow! These are tough questions!" Or, "I really have to think about this one!" The kids all have the questions memorized and will not just ask the questions, but they will listen and respond to the answers. Asking questions, and being genuinely interested in the answers given. It is amazing to watch Baby Girl at 3 years old have a relatively grown up conversation with someone she doesn't know.

While we are just asking "The Days" to our kids, we are teaching them a few important lessons. We are teaching them that they need to be interested in the world around them. Be considerate of others, and when you talk to them, look them in the eye, give them your full attention, listen, and respond. We are teaching them to be thankful for unique things that they have been blessed with. Since they cannot just say the same thing everyday, they come up with things that Hubby and I wouldn't normally think of (i.e. the dinner table). We are teaching them to look for opportunities to serve. We don't ask them how they helped someone to let them boast about how awesome they are (even though they are awesome!), but to have them learn to see when others need help and offer it without being asked. We are teaching them to love themselves! This is something that is important in today's world, because there are so many things and people that say, "You aren't good enough." "You don't measure up." "You need to change this and this and this about yourself." But we are teaching our kids to love themselves as they are. GOD MADE THEM GOOD!

Every once in a while we will add to the question list. Little Man has contributed a few times. Asking these questions sometimes makes our dinnertime long. Sometimes our food gets cold while we are asking or answering questions. Sometimes everyone is done eating before we've all had a chance to talk about our day. Sometimes dinner is really short, because no one has much to say. Our kids look forward to it just as much as I do. They like to be involved in our family life. They like that they get to talk with the grown ups. I like that I get to talk with them. I like that we all get to focus on the good in our lives. We all get to focus on serving. We get to focus on our family!

What would happen if everyone sat down to dinner as a family just 3 times a week, and had open conversations like this? Maybe family dinner wouldn't be an anomaly, it would be the norm!

Can I be an Angel?

I wrote a while ago that I had a doozy of a story for you, and today is the day I am going to share it with you! Are you ready? Get yourself a drink, settle in for a story worthy of the "big screen"!

Sometimes we need Angels in our lives, but this is a story when my husband got to BE an Angel for someone else. Our church has what we call General Conference. This is when all of the leaders of our religion gather together, and speak to the rest of the church. There are 4 General Sessions, one on Saturday morning from 10:00-12:00, Saturday Afternoon from 2:00-4:00, Sunday Morning from 10:00-12:00, and Sunday Afternoon from 2:00-4:00. Then there is the General Women's Meeting, which is the Saturday BEFORE the other General Sessions from 6:00-7:30, and General Priesthood Meeting on Saturday night, after the other sessions from 6:00-8:00. It is a lot! We watch on TV, listen on the Radio, sometimes we go to our church buildings and watch it, and sometimes are able to travel to SLC, UT and listen in the Conference Center, or on Temple Square at one of the small theaters that stream the Conference live. It seems like a HUGE commitment, but in all honesty, it's not! I love to hear from my spiritual leaders, especially from the Living Prophet, Thomas S Monson, his 2 Counselors, and the Quorum of the 12 Apostles (learn more about my religion here). Many people, my family included, like to have a special night during the Priesthood Session, the men attend the meeting, while the women and children have a night out, or spend time together at home. Hubby likes to attend Priesthood meeting with his father, so when that time came around a few years ago, I sent him up to his parents house alone. I spent time with the kids, and enjoyed time by myself.

The drive to Hubby's parent's house was about 2 hours. I sent him out the door, with plenty of time to get here and attend Priesthood Session. He called every half hour or so, until he didn't. I was expecting his call, and it didn't come. I knew that he wasn't at his parent's house yet. He still had at least 45 minutes to go. I tried to call him, and he didn't answer. I started to get worried. I kept calling him, every couple of minutes, until finally he called me back. He was upset, and was talking very quickly. I got him to calm down, and this is the story he told me:

He was driving towards his parent's house, and about 45 minutes away, when he came up to an off ramp. It wasn't a very used off-ramp, because it is in a rural location, and he wasn't planning on taking the exit. As he got closer to the exit, he felt stronger and stronger like he should stop, until he finally HEARD, "PULL OFF THE ROAD! TAKE THE EXIT!" He couldn't ignore the feeling or the voice, so he took the exit. This particular exit makes almost a complete circle to get off the freeway, and onto the connecting road. The connecting road crosses OVER the freeway, so the ramp angles upward. From the direction Hubby was driving, he could not see the entire off-ramp, but as he drove on the ramp, he saw a small black plume of smoke, and a cement barrier was missing. He immediately stopped his car. As he got closer to the edge of the road, he could see a car upside down at the bottom of the hill. He ran down the hill, and found a young girl, about 17, inside the upside down vehicle. She was unconscious and bleeding heavily. The car was smoking from somewhere, and even though he had been told to never move someone who has been in an accident, Hubby knew he had to get her out of the car. Luckily, someone else had been taking the same exit, and watched as Hubby ran down the hill, and pulled over to see what was going on. This man helped Hubby get the girl out of her car, and laying flat on the ground, both being careful to move her head and neck as little as possible. They could see that the girl was hurt very badly, and since Hubby has had CNA training, he started treating her cuts and abrasions the best he could, while the man called 911. Hubby found a large cut underneath the girl's arm, and when he turned to show the man, he was handed a shirt. The man had seen the cut at the same time, and taken off his shirt to help. They had the bleeding mostly stopped by the time the ambulance arrived, and took her to the hospital. Hubby called the girl's parents while they were waiting for the ambulance, and found out that she was LDS, just like we are. Her parent's asked Hubby to give her a Priesthood Blessing, and Hubby told them he would. He gently laid his hands on her head, and gave her a silent blessing, since the paramedics were there, and he didn't want to interrupt them. He ended his blessing, just as the paramedics took her to the ambulance. Hubby had a short time to talk to the girl before the paramedics arrived, and told her about our kids, and tried to keep her mind off of her pain. He was covered in her blood by the time she left, and was too shaken to drive for a short time. After the ambulance left, Hubby and the man that stopped to help him, talked a little. The man asked Hubby what he was doing when he put his hands on the girl's head. Hubby explained Priesthood Blessings, and the man said that he felt so calm, during the blessing, and that even though it was hectic all around them, he could feel peace. Hubby told him that he felt it too. The two parted ways, and Hubby called me. He drove to his parent's house, and attended Priesthood Meeting. The next day, he called the girl's parents again, and asked how their daughter was doing. They told him she was doing well, but had a crushed pelvis, a broken Femur in 2 places, broken ribs, as well as the gash that had been bleeding so heavily. They thanked him for helping her, and promised to have her call him, but she never did.

A few weeks went by, and Hubby took the kids up to visit his parents while I worked. He pulled off of the freeway to get gas, and happened to see the girl's parents. They told him that she had JUST been released from the Hospital, and had been asking how to get in touch with him. He was able to talk to her again, to give her a hug, and introduce her to our kids. Then she thanked him. She thanked him for giving her a blessing. She told him that it was a beautiful blessing, and she knew that she was going to be okay after hearing it. Hubby told her that he didn't say a word out loud, but she told him specific things that he had said in his mind. She had a long road to recovery, was in a cast that covered her leg from her foot, up to her chest, and was still healing. She knew from his blessing that she was going to be okay though. She had been driving to a party that she wasn't supposed to go to, snuck out of her parent's house, taken their car, and gotten into an accident, that could have taken her life. She told him that she was changing her life. She wasn't going to see those people anymore. She was going to start living the Gospel again.

Hubby received a powerful example of why it is important to always live worthy of the sacred Priesthood that he holds. He was able to help someone because of it. Maybe this story isn't worthy of the big screen in your eyes. Maybe it isn't very important to you. But to our family, it is. It is worthy of the big screen. It is a doozy. It was a turning point for that young girl's life, and it was a reminder for ours.

Living the Gospel may seem like a lot. 3 Hours of church every Sunday, callings that take time away from our families, service, General Conference that takes up an entire weekend, 10% of all of the money we earn we donate to the Church, Fast Offerings (money that we pay to the Church to help those in need), fasting, scripture study, prayer, no drinking, no smoking, no coffee, no tea. The list seems long and never ending, BUT the benefits out weigh the cost. The blessings are UNCOUNTABLE! The chances to help others are undeniable.

Sometimes we need angels, and sometimes we get to be someone else's angel. This was Hubby's chance to be an angel, and because he was living according to Gospel Principle's he was blessed with the opportunity!

Flowers VS Dandelions

We share a backyard with our neighbors where we live. They are an older couple, so naturally, the kids call them "Grandma" and "Grandpa". The kids love to help their new "grandparents" with yard work. I have seen them out running circles around the two as they work. All three of my kids spent a few hours helping to pull weeds, so that "Grandma & Grandpa" didn't have to. They love them, and "Grandma and Grandpa" love them too.

Tiny went outside one day, and was "helping" pull weeds, but accidentally pulled a flower. This flower had just been planted, and was very easy to pull, which was lucky, because it was also very easy to replant. We had just talked to Tiny about not touching "Grandma's" flowers, and he cried. When I say he cried, what I really mean is he bawled. Like huge tears, sobbing, can't breathe, shaking kind of crying. He was upset. And upset is an understatement. He felt terrible! He kept telling us that he was just trying to "be helpful", but we couldn't see how picking a flower was helpful. Luckily, instead of getting mad and yelling at him, I took him into his room and talked to him. We talked about not touching "grandma's" flowers. We talked about how he needed to apologize to "grandma" for pulling her flowers, and knelt in prayer together. Tiny prayed the most sincere prayer I have ever heard from a 4 year old. He prayed for his Heavenly Father to forgive him, and to help him to remember to not touch the flowers. He prayed that his "Grandma" would forgive him and not be mad at him. He was so worried that he had made his new "Grandma" hate him, that he was overwhelmed with grief. I gave him a big hug, and told him that he didn't need to worry about "Grandma" hating him. She would never hate him, but he did need to apologize.

Tiny stood with his chin on his chest, and his arms hanging limply by his sides as he walked out the door to talk to "Grandma". You could barely understand him as he asked, "Will you forgive me for pulling your flower?" before he burst into tears again. She wrapped him in her arms, kissed him on the forehead and told him that of course she would forgive him. Of course she didn't hate him. Of course she LOVED him! It took her only a few seconds before she realized what had happened. Tiny had been walking around the yard pulling any Dandelions he had found in the grass. That afternoon, "grandma" had planted some very pretty YELLOW flowers. These flowers look a lot like Dandelions, especially to a 4 year old. Tiny thought that he was doing something that "grandma" had asked him to do. He was pulling a weed. To him, those very pretty flowers were just weeds.

In church a few weeks ago, we were talking about baptism. The teacher asked, "Why do we believe it is so important that we wait to be baptized until we are 8?" There were a lot of answers: We do not believe that we need to be forgiven for Adam and Eve's sin of partaking of the fruit. We do not believe that children younger than 8 can be tempted by Satan. and We do not hold children younger than 8 accountable for the things they do wrong. I told the above story. I told them how Tiny felt so terrible. How I did not understand how he was being helpful by pulling a flower. I told them how we talked. How HE prayed. How he apologized and promised to try to do better. Then I told them this, "SOMETIMES WE CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FLOWER AND A DANDELION." Kids need time to learn. I can look at that flower and see a flower, and look at a Dandelion and see a weed. But Tiny could not. There are differences that are subtle in the world. Something small can make a big difference. And we need time to learn them. We also need time to learn to humble ourselves, like Tiny did. When we are young, we are humble. Christ said we all need to "become like a little child". Children teach us many things through their innocence, and they teach us how to truly repent and be forgiven.

Tiny taught me a great lesson that day. Everything isn't black and white. Sometimes it's all yellow, and we need to discern the subtle differences!

Dandelions

Beautiful Flowers from the Garden that Tiny pulled

The Ugly Side

Everyone has a "face" or side of themselves that they like the world to see. Very few people walk around with every emotion they are experiencing showing in their expression, in their walk, the way they talk, and the way they are viewed from the outside. Most of us like others to see us as happy people. As positive in every situation. We like to say, as one of my close friends says, "Oh, we're hanging in!" Meaning we're dealing with a lot, but it's nothing we can't handle!

Have you ever heard the saying, "God won't give us more than we can handle"? I've seen a post going around that says that He will give us more than we can handle, because that is how we grow. I don't know if I believe either one of those statements. I believe it should say something closer to this, "God won't give me more than I can handle with His help." Doesn't that sound better? The other two make it seem like we are all alone. We are given trials, and hard things, and we have to face them by ourselves. How scary would that be? To have no where to turn? To have no one to just unload on? No one to lean on? No one to talk to. No one. I can't even begin to imagine that.

I haven't been posting in a while. My family moved to a new state, around people we don't know. In an area that I had never been to or heard of before about a month before the move. We moved into a 2 bedroom house. Yup 5 of us, in 2 bedrooms (it's awesome). Hubby started a new job, Little Man started a new school, Tiny and Baby Girl stayed home with me. It was hectic! Then as we got settled, I got sick. I had this terrible pain in my back. It got to the point that I couldn't get out of bed, or drink, or eat with out pain. I finally went to the ER and they told me that I had several cysts on my right ovary that had ruptured. I also had Endometriosis grow into those open sores, and one more cyst that was bigger than a golf ball that would either keep growing, or rupture. It was no fun. I went home on lots of pain meds, and tried to get better. Some amazing people in my ward watched my kids, brought us dinner and checked up on my daily, but these were all people I didn't know, so I tried my hardest to put on my "we're hanging in" face, and smile while they were around. I felt pretty darn alone.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress because of getting sick. It brought up a lot of terrible memories from a year ago (which by the way, it's been 1 year since my Hysterectomy), and a lot of anger that I would still have those problems without the benefit of ever having a chance at having another baby.  I admit that I still do have that anger, and sorrow inside me. I am not over it, or past it. So I have been thinking a lot about the image that I put out to the world, and the saying that I posted above.

While I have been feeling "alone", I never have been alone. I received many blessing from Hubby and even one with my Dad's help. I always know that I have someone that understands me. There is always someone that I can show all of my emotions to. That I can let my anger out, and know that I am being heard for what I really feel, and that He understands my heart more than just my words.

I am finally all unpacked, clothes all washed and folded and put away, pictures hung, and food in the fridge. I am physically feeling better. I am doing what needs to be done. I am playing with my kids, and enjoying them while they are young. I am spending more time with Hubby, we're putting puzzles together, and playing board games. I am making dinner and lunch everyday. I am reading my scriptures. I am praying more earnestly than I ever have in my life. I am trying. BUT in the back of my mind, there is this feeling that will not go away. This feeling and thought that says that I am not good enough, that I am less than others, that I am broken. This is a thought and feeling that I struggle with everyday. I cannot remember a day in the last month that I have not cried because of it. I have conversations with Hubby about it, and with God about it. I tell them my thoughts and my fears. I show them the "Ugly Side" of me. I show them the side that no one else sees.

We are never alone. We struggle through hard things. We try our hardest, and we do our best. We falter. We stumble. We fall. We try to get back up on our own, but it is when we are on our knees that we are able to look up, and see the Savior's hand reaching for us. All we have to do is grab it. All we have to do is believe. All we have to do is trust. All we have to do is keep doing our best. He will take care of the rest. I am still learning how to do all of that. I am still learning how to turn all of my fears over to Him, but I am trying my best, and I am reaching for His hand, just like He is reaching for mine.

Open Your Mouth

I have a very dear friend who has been going through a lot of health issues for the past few years. She has had the same surgery Hubby had, just not as many times. She had a Pace Maker put in and was on more medications that anyone of her age should ever have to be on. Even with all of these procedures, surgeries, and medications, she was unable to work, she was fainting daily, and she couldn't be the mom that her three young children needed.

When Hubby was sick, I leaned on this friend a lot, because she knew how he was feeling, and she could talk to me about things in a different perspective. I tried to help her when ever and where ever I could, but after Hubby got better, we moved and I have only seen her a few times. We do keep up with eachother every few weeks, and I was able to have a conversation with her not too long ago, that may have been a turning point in her life!

I have mentioned in a previous post that a lot of my friends, even people that don't know me well, come to me to ask about medications they are on, the best choice for treatment plans, I even get people asking me to diagnose them just by telling me what is going on! Well, this phone call, was not asking me to give any advice, but I had a thought that I felt I needed to share.

I told her about the medication that has changed our lives, and suggested that she ask her doctor about it, and she did! This was about a month ago, and I just heard from her today, that she is currently off all of her other medications, and has not fainted since getting on the new medication. She has gone from being told that her blood pressure was so high that being on multiple medications was not enough to control it, to no longer being on any blood pressure medication. She is now doing things that we all take for granted, like dishes, laundry, and playing with her kids.

I have a strong belief that we go through certain trials so that down the road we can help someone else in a similar situation. Sometimes we are placed in people's lives to help them just as much as they help us, and sometimes all that we have to do to provide the help that will change someone's life is open our mouths!

Our Story

When I was 17, I went on a date with a ridiculously good looking friend of my brother. He was 20, and had been sick for a while. He had been in Peru, serving a mission for our church, when he got sick, and had to come home. We all thought that he was on the tail end of being sick, and was actually getting better! Fast forward a year and a half, I graduated High School, moved to college, we both went to a semester of school, got engaged at the end of the semester, in December, and got married in February 2007! My life was turning out EXACTLY as I had planned. We moved into a little apartment close to my parents, and settled into our new lives.

About 6 months into our marriage, we found out we were pregnant! We were very excited. We moved to a new town about an hour away, started new jobs, and were excited to start a new chapter. It wasn't long until we found out that we had lost the baby. We were devastated, and it took a while until we decided to start trying again. Luckily it didn't take too long, and December 2007, we were expecting again. We settled into our lives as newlyweds, and soon-to-be parents. When I was about 25 weeks pregnant, I was put on bedrest. I was no longer able to work, and had to quit my job. We knew things would be tight, but knew it would be worth it, to get our baby boy here safe and healthy! We were excited and quickly picked a name, and focused on all the new adventures we were going to experience . Soon, our lives were turned upside down!

It was a normal day for me, sleeping, and resting a lot. When my phone rang. It wasn't abnormal for my husband to call me and check up on me through out the day, so I wasn't concerned when I saw that it was him calling me. But the voice on the other end of the phone was not my husband. Instead it was his coworker. I can still remember EVERY WORD HE SAID, “Um, Hello? Don't have a baby or anything, but your husband is getting in an ambulance right now, and is going to the hospital. But he'll be okay, just don't have a baby!” My husband had been very worried that by someone calling me and telling me that he was in an ambulance, I was going to go into preterm labor. I was only 5 months along. I am pretty sure that I have never moved or drove faster in my life! We lived about 3 minutes closer to the hospital than my husband's work, so the whole time I drove to the hospital I kept looking for the ambulance. I thought that they were way ahead of me, because I had to get dressed before I could leave the house. On my way to the hospital, I called his parent's and mine. When I got to the hospital, the ambulance still wasn't there! I had beat them!

A few minutes after I walked in the hospital, the ambulance arrived. I was allowed into the Emergency Room with my husband for a few minutes, until they made me leave. I was told that his heart was not beating correctly. He had an abnormal rhythm called Atrial Fibrillation. His heart was beating at 204 Beats Per Minute (BPM) and then would drop to 50 BPM. It is a very dangerous condition. I was asked to leave his room, and my parent's arrived. I was escorted to the Cafeteria by my parents, while my husband was put to sleep, and underwent an Electrical Cardioversion. They shocked his heart twice, before they could get it to beat right. We were sent home soon after , and our new adventure began.

Over the next 3 years, we would have 3 kids (including baby boy), 3 miscarriages, 6 heart surgeries on my husband, a trip to Minnesota to the Mayo Clinic, countless doctor's and appointments, and FINALLY the one doctor that could actually help us. When we were in the middle of this journey, my husband could no longer work. I could not leave him home. We were stuck. My husband was very sick. His heart could not beat right. He was eventually diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation, Atrial Flutter, and AV Nodal Re-Entry Tachycardia. These are all problems that older people have, not a 23-27 year old. My husband was fainting a lot. He was fainting anywhere from 20-60 times PER DAY!

I remember running across the neighborhood to a friend's baby shower when I was pregnant with our second son. Our oldest was napping, and usually slept for about 2 hours, so I helped my husband to the couch downstairs, gave him the baby monitor, and told him to call me if he needed anything. I promised to be back before our son woke up. I was gone for about 45 minutes when I got a phone call from my husband's phone. Once again, it was not his voice I was hearing. Instead I heard our 1 year old quietly tapping his Daddy's face, saying, “Cake up, Daddy. Cake up. I wuv you.” My husband had heard the baby crying, walked up the stairs to get him out of his crib, walked back downstairs, and set him down before he passed out. My 1 year old was able to call me from my husband's phone. I still do not know how, but he called me, he stayed calm, and he did what he had seen me do countless times. I again raced to my car, and got home before my husband woke up. Luckily my son was fine, and my husband only had a small cut on his forehead from fainting. But I never left my husband alone again. Whether he had the kids or not.

During the time that my husband was sick, I was lost. I didn't know how to find who I was. My life was not anything that I had ever dreamed it would be. I had never thought of losing a total of 4 babies, having 3 babies, and watching my husband have 6 heart surgeries. I became a caretaker at 20. I was making sure that my husband stayed alive. I knew (and still do know) how to read EKG's without ever taking a class, or being taught, because I had to. I could check my husband's pulse and tell him what was happening, whether his heart rate was normal or out of rhythm. I knew the signs to look for before he fainted. I knew the side effects of many new medications. I could fill out his medical papers in record time. I carried around a zippered folder with ALL of his medical records inside it, just in case we met someone that might be able to help him. I drove. I cooked. I cleaned. I raised the kids. I lost me.

I think that no matter what our life holds for us, we all have times that we lose ourselves. The key is finding ourselves again. I found that I am actually pretty handy in the kitchen! I started baking, and making up recipes, and serving others. I found myself by looking outside myself. It didn't happen over night, and actually when I talk about it now, people didn't even know that I was having a hard time. Putting on that happy face when people were around, became my daily facade. Once I found who I was, I could fight for my family.

It wasn't long after I started doing things for me, that we were referred to a new doctor. He looked at my husband, assessed his symptoms and history (he looked through my binder!), and he gave us a diagnosis! He put him on a new medication. He did a test, and confirmed his diagnosis. My husband had A-Typical Narcolepsy. Within just 3 months, he had lost 60 lbs of water weight. We had been told by his Cardiologist that once we figured out how to help him get better, he would lose a ton of weight, very quickly, and he did! We knew that we were on the right track! Within 8 months of being put on the new medication, he was no longer fainting, and was allowed to return to work. We found a job, moved, and never looked back! It has been 2 years since the last time he fainted. It was December 9, 2011 that he woke up one morning, felt sick, and fainted. He never did that again. He has been lightheaded, and had to artificially raise his blood pressure, but he has never fainted again. The nightmare is over!

I learned a lot through the whole experience. I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I became other people's shoulder to cry on. I am the person that people call to ask medical questions to. I am the one that can usually answer those questions! I have heard stories from people that I was able to help just by being myself. I learned that sometimes it is okay to lean on others, and need their help, when our community raised $10,000 to send us to the Mayo Clinic. I learned that I can be me, and learn new things, and speak up about what I want/need. My marriage was strengthened. My children were strengthened. My faith in humanity was strengthened.

My story isn't over. My life isn't perfect. We still face struggles. My husband is on daily medication, to make sure he stays healthy. My oldest son has separation anxiety from seeing his daddy in the hospital so much. But We are no where near rock bottom. We've been there. And we can only go up from here!

To My Sister

My little sister got married in August of last year. It was a beautiful day. She chose a day that is 2 days before Little Man's birthday, which was nice for him, because he got to see his favorite Auntie! It was a hard day too. For my sister, it was the best day of her life so far! She was starting her family. She was  beginning a whole new chapter of her life. While I was and still am excited for her, inside I was hurting. I was watching my sister, who is only 3 years younger than me, start her family, while mine was not going to grow anymore. My family was complete. I had so many mixed emotions. I am very close to my little sister. I was so excited for her to get married, and then my whole world came crashing down, and I had to have a Hysterectomy. My sister tried everything she could to include me in things, and to make me feel better, and she did. If she hadn't been understanding, and thought outside of herself, I don't know how I could have made it through that day. She was the opposite of a Bridezilla. She made sure that through everything that was going on, she checked up on me, she made sure that I was recognized for things that I did for her. She made sure that I felt the love the I desperately needed at that time.

When we were growing up, we didn't have the best relationship. We fought a lot. We argued all of the time. We always were at eachother's necks. I have scars that prove how much we got along! But now we are the best of friends. I talk to her almost daily, and we share our secrets with eachother. She is my confidant and I am hers. I have shared things with her that I have only talked about with Hubby, and she somehow understands what I feel. She knows what to say to make me feel not only better, but sane!

One day I opened up to my sister about my feelings on having more children. I told her how sad I was that all around me, people are having babies, and one day she would too. I told her that I am going to be over the moon excited for her, but that it will be extremely hard for me too. I talked to her about my anxiety about how to deal with it all, and instead of her getting upset, or telling me that I was being petty and selfish, she looked at things from my perspective. She told me that when I was having kids she couldn't have kids, because she wasn't married yet. So in her perspective she was "infertile" during that time of my life. She said that it was kind of hard for her too, because she really wanted to be a mom and have kids, and experience pregnancy with me, but it wasn't possible. Instead of pulling away from me, she embraced it. She loved my kids like they were her own. She came to visit as much as she could. She bought things for my kids. Made things for them. Offered to watch them. She became their second Mommy. They love her. She loves them.

On that day, she taught me an important lesson. She taught me that I am not the only one going through a tough time. She taught me that I can look beyond myself, and help others and in turn help myself because of it. She has been a great example to me, and I'm so glad that I get to call her my sister, my best friend, and my family! I love you Little Sister!

Daily Stuggles

Yesterday I started this post, but it was pretty darn negative! I was having a moment yesterday. I was feeling beaten down by life in general, and just about ready to give up. But I am a wife and a mother, and I put a smile on my face, I cuddled my sick Baby Girl, I made yummy Spaghetti and Meatballs (homemade sauce and meatballs), read to the kids, and helped Hubby put them all to bed. By the end of the day, I remarkably felt better!

When I woke up this morning, I had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings I did yesterday. I really didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. I got up, I got ready (my saving grace everyday!), got the kids ready, showers and all, and put some soup on the stove (Chicken and Dumpling, cooked all day on low heat... MMM...). My day's are pretty redundant, take Tiny to Preschool, feed the kids lunch, take Little Man to Kindergarten, put Baby Girl down for a nap, get Baby Girl up from her nap, pick Little Man up from school, make dinner, Hubby comes home, eat dinner, reading time, bedtime! Then get up and do it all over again! It can be a daily struggle, to find the motivation to keep everything together day after day.

I find myself getting bored, or being on edge from the monotony of it all. I am short with my kids sometimes. I am short with my husband sometimes. I am short with myself most of the time. I feel like I come up short and that puts me in a bad mood. I can handle stress, I am normally very optimistic, and can put a positive spin on most situations, but yesterday, I couldn't do that. I couldn't think of a positive thing about anything yesterday. In fact, when I started this post, I wrote something like this,

"I grew up hearing things like this, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,' and 'God won't give you anything you can't handle,' and I've got to say, it's all crap! It's lies. Sometimes you get so many lemons that you run out of sugar, and they start to go bad, so they wouldn't make good lemonade anyway. And sometimes you get so much dumped on you at once, that it is way more than you can handle!"

Yup, I was in a great place, don't you think? Then I started listing all of the things that have gone wrong lately. Hubby applied for a job, got an interview, we drove 10 hours, stayed in a hotel, and still didn't get the job. We got our tax return back, and by noon the next day it was gone, paying off bills, which it didn't cover. Baby Girl got sick, and was in the ER on Tuesday night. It was a Very Positive post! (Hear the sarcasm?)

Anyway, I deleted the post. It was making my depressed. I can't imagine that I would want to sit and read all of the horrible things going on in someone else's life (unless it's something like someone being sick, and sharing their progress), but just reading about someone's daily struggles, and hearing them complain about nothing? I wouldn't do it, why would I want someone else to do that for me? I deleted it, and I put the computer away. I cuddled Baby Girl, I listened to her cry because she was sick, and I sang to her until she yelled at me to "'Top It Singing, Mommy!"

I focused on everyone and everything else! I focused on things that I could do. I can't control Hubby not getting a job that he desperately wanted, I can't control our tax return being used for bills, I can't control Baby Girl getting sick. I can't. I can control my attitude toward it all. I can sing to my beautiful daughter. I can make dinner for my amazing family. I can read one of my favorite childhood books to my kids. I can give Hubby a hug when he comes home from a stressful day at work. I CAN!

I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind, and I woke up this morning with just as much as I went to sleep with. Even though I prayed, and prayed, and put others first, those thoughts, those stresses, those uncontrollable situations were still there. I have daily struggles. Just like all of you. I have daily problems, that last much longer than a day. I have stresses. Period. I do. You do. Life is that way. And sometimes you are given lemons without any sugar to make lemonade. Sometimes you can't let go of those "lemons" until they have gone "bad" and you are forced to throw them away. Sometimes you are given too much to handle.

How are you going to deal with it?

Starting Again

When I turned 12, and started 7th grade, my parents had a rule that all of the kids had to play an instrument in the Junior High School Band. My 2 older brothers both played, one played the Trumpet and one played the Saxophone. When it was my turn to pick an instrument, I had no idea what to choose. My oldest brother, the Trumpet playing one, told me to play the oboe. I didn't even know what an oboe was. I read the paper that the band teacher gave to me when I signed up for Summer Band class and hadn't decided what to play yet, and it said that you needed long fingers (check), excellent breathing capacity (um... does asthma count?), and an okay singing voice (HAHA!!!). Well, I decided to listen to my brother and decided to give the oboe a chance.

The first year or so that I played, I honestly sounded like a duck. Laugh, it's okay. I do! I can specifically remember my brother (the same one that insisted I play this particular instrument) shutting my door, and moving to the other end of the house while I practiced, so that he wouldn't have to listen to me! I was not very good, but I loved to play. I understood the music, and felt like I could really express myself through it. By the time I was in 9th grade, I was actually starting to sound okay! I worked very hard at playing, and my piano teacher talked my parents into getting me a private teacher. I started to take lessons, and was preparing to go to a district solo festival, which my piano teacher was accompanying me at, when she heard a recording of my oboe teacher, and told my parent's I needed a new teacher, because I was better than her! I had practiced, and worked so hard, that I was better than my teacher. I went to that festival and was rated a 1+, which is the highest you can get.

I found a new teacher, started going to lessons with her once a week. I auditioned for the high school band, and I actually got into the top Symphonic Band, and got First Chair (the principal/solo playing) Oboe! I was so excited. There were 3 oboes in our band, and I got First Chair, the Second and Third Chair were both older than me, and I felt amazing! My hard work was paying off.

One day I was practicing, I would practice everyday for around 2 hours, and my brother (yup, the same one) came into my room, and sat on my bed, and listened to me practice. He sat there for the rest of my practice time, probably about 30 minutes, and just watched and listened to me play. I don't think he remembers that, it probably didn't mean much to him, but to me it was everything. To me I had finally gotten good enough that I no longer sounded like a duck! I sounded good.

I kept playing all through High School, I was offered a full-ride scholarship, and turned it down and got married instead. I stopped playing for a few years. I focused on kids, and Hubby, and thought for a while that I had lost everything that I had worked so hard at. I finally started playing again in about October, and performed for the first time in an Orchestra Setting in December when we played "Handel's Messiah". I am now playing with a smaller group playing "Bach's Magnificat".

My point in this story is that just because you feel like you have lost something, or a part of you, doesn't mean that you really have. You can always go back. I have had to work hard, I'm not where I was in High School. I did lose some things. Like terminology for instance. But with more hard work, I can gain it all back.

I am teaching now, and my true hope is that one day I can tell my student that she is better than me! I would love to teach someone to the point that I really can't go anymore.

Don't give up. Keep working. Pick up something that you put down. Start again!

Loss...

Many of you know already that I have had 4 miscarriages. I have never had a D & C for my miscarriages, but I have felt the loss and sting of losing a prayed for child. It is more painful that anyone ever gives it credit for.

Before Hubby and I were even engaged, my doctor told me that I needed to get pregnant within 1 year. He told me that it was going to be a miracle if I could get pregnant at all. Well, I went to then Boyfriend, and basically said, "Hey, are we going to get married? Because if we are, then we need to now, and if we aren't then I'm going to find someone that does want to marry me!" (Kinda forward, I know) He said, "It's not time for us to get married yet, but one day, we will." It was on December 8 of that year, that he proposed to me! YAY!

We got married 2 short months later, and then the hard stuff started! I had a dream, I say dream, but I really mean nightmare, I woke up very upset. I dreamed that I had twins. Twin boys. But one of them died, and the doctor wouldn't let me hold him. He took him away, and I only got a glimpse of his sweet face. He was perfect, and he was beautiful. He was everything and more than I had ever asked for or wanted. But I didn't get to keep him. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get to touch, or feel him. I didn't get any of that.

I woke up crying, I was so sad and so upset. Hubby didn't know what to do. We were newlyweds! We hadn't been married for more than 48 hours, and here I was saying that we needed to have a baby right now! We waited about 2 months before we officially started "trying", and it wouldn't take too long until we were expecting!

We were so excited, and both of us were absolutely positive the little baby I was carrying was a boy. We both knew it, and were elated. We were like a lot of people and wanted to wait until we were 13 weeks along, and out of the "danger" zone of the 1st trimester before we told anyone. But we never got that chance.

In August, I lost the baby. We were crushed. It was very hard, and very sad. I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that it was my fault. I am supposed to be able to carry a child. My body is made to carry a child. But here I was childless, and unable to do that. Hard. Very Hard. It was a dark, dark time for me. We moved around the same time as our miscarriage, and started our lives over. I wanted a baby so much, and so did Hubby. We were in that mechanical, we're-trying-but-we're-losing-ourselves-in-it, phase. It wasn't until December that I got pregnant with Little Man. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem like we tried that long, but when you're in the mist of it all, believe me, it is a long time!

After we had Little Man, we decided not to prevent getting pregnant again for too long. We lost 2 more babies before getting pregnant with Tiny. He was a blessing, and came at the perfect time. But the loss of those 2 babies are forever imprinted in my heart.

We had Baby Girl just over a year after Tiny. She came before any miscarriages, which I am thankful for. But when she was only 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact we were trying to NOT get pregnant. This little baby was coming though. She was coming. We were very excited once again, but before we told anyone, she was gone. Just as quickly as she came, she left. Baby Girl's little sister was no more. She was one more scar on my already taped together heart.

Two days after Baby Girl's 2nd birthday, I had an emergency Hysterectomy. I can no longer have children. I will never again feel the flutter of life  in my tummy. I will never feel the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test again. I will never hold my newborn baby close to my chest again. I will never hold my newborn flesh and blood again. I am 26. I am forever infertile. I am forever barren. I have no chance of ever becoming a mother that way again.

But I will become a mother again. I will! I have lost 4 babies. I have 3 amazing children now. I have a loving husband. I have a great life. I have a righteous desire to become a mother just one more time. We will be adding one more child to our lives, and to our home. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but we will. We will adopt a child. We will. One day. I am looking forward to that day. I am praying for that day.

My loss has been hard. I pray for those little babies every day. I cry for them, and I miss them. I know they are waiting for me, and I just have to hold up my end and live faithfully, so that I can be with them, and raise them, and love them, and hug them, and hold them. Even though those losses were and are hard, I am learning from them.

Loss is something we all have to deal with . It is something that we all have to face. But not in the same ways. We all go through these hard things. We all experience something that we feel like we can never get through, and that no one will ever understand, but by going through those things, we are able to relate to someone else when they go through hard things. We are given certain experiences to give us experience. To build our faith.

Life is hard, but it is worth it!

10 Things To Do This Year

This year I am giving myself 10 things to do. Not resolutions, because I feel like I never keep resolutions anyway! I guess I just don't have much resolve... Hmmm... I think that's another post altogether! Anyway, 10 things for me to do this year!

1. Keep the house cleaned for a whole month! Like everyday, keep it picked up, and clean enough that I'm not totally stressed and embarrassed when people drop by unexpectedly! And I don't have to spend a whole day cleaning before people come over announced!

2. Go on a vacation with my family! We have never been on a vacation, just us. We have been overnight camping a few times, or to families' houses, but never on a vacation. Even it is just camping for a few days, just get away from being connected to everyone and everything, that would be amazing!

3. Schedule monthly dates with my hubby! We don't go on dates much because, well, they cost money. And money is a hot commodity around here! We usually go for special occasions, like Stake Temple Day (going to the Temple with other members of the church from our area), birthday's and... yup... That's it... So MONTHLY DATE NIGHT!

4. Create my own Crochet pattern. Sounds fun. Sounds difficult. Sounds... Time consuming! I'm So Excited!

5. Spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every month. Like an hour that just Mom or Dad go out with them every month.

6. Give Hubby time to himself! He needs breaks too, just like me, and I am going to find time to do that for him! Even if it's just shoving him in the garage with his wood and tools for the night after he gets home from work.

7.  Potty Train Baby Girl. She is almost there, but not quite. I am going to work with her, and help her potty train, so we can be done with diapers!

8. Start doing family history. I am going to learn how to use all the cool websites out there, and find my lost ancestors!

9. Get out of debt. I am going to work really hard to pay off all of our medical bills, and pay off our car, and everything else we can! I really want to be debt free.

10. Start an adoption fund. I want to adopt a child. Some one that is 6+ months to 2 years old. I don't care boy or girl, race, or anything like that. I just want one more, and I need to save some of that hot commodity (money) to be able to do that!

Those are my "To-Do's of 2014"! What are yours? Do you make resolutions? Do you trim down your list of things to do? Do you not do anything special this time of year? I am hoping that by writing these down, it will hold me to it!

Good luck in the New Year!