Our Story

When I was 17, I went on a date with a ridiculously good looking friend of my brother. He was 20, and had been sick for a while. He had been in Peru, serving a mission for our church, when he got sick, and had to come home. We all thought that he was on the tail end of being sick, and was actually getting better! Fast forward a year and a half, I graduated High School, moved to college, we both went to a semester of school, got engaged at the end of the semester, in December, and got married in February 2007! My life was turning out EXACTLY as I had planned. We moved into a little apartment close to my parents, and settled into our new lives.

About 6 months into our marriage, we found out we were pregnant! We were very excited. We moved to a new town about an hour away, started new jobs, and were excited to start a new chapter. It wasn't long until we found out that we had lost the baby. We were devastated, and it took a while until we decided to start trying again. Luckily it didn't take too long, and December 2007, we were expecting again. We settled into our lives as newlyweds, and soon-to-be parents. When I was about 25 weeks pregnant, I was put on bedrest. I was no longer able to work, and had to quit my job. We knew things would be tight, but knew it would be worth it, to get our baby boy here safe and healthy! We were excited and quickly picked a name, and focused on all the new adventures we were going to experience . Soon, our lives were turned upside down!

It was a normal day for me, sleeping, and resting a lot. When my phone rang. It wasn't abnormal for my husband to call me and check up on me through out the day, so I wasn't concerned when I saw that it was him calling me. But the voice on the other end of the phone was not my husband. Instead it was his coworker. I can still remember EVERY WORD HE SAID, “Um, Hello? Don't have a baby or anything, but your husband is getting in an ambulance right now, and is going to the hospital. But he'll be okay, just don't have a baby!” My husband had been very worried that by someone calling me and telling me that he was in an ambulance, I was going to go into preterm labor. I was only 5 months along. I am pretty sure that I have never moved or drove faster in my life! We lived about 3 minutes closer to the hospital than my husband's work, so the whole time I drove to the hospital I kept looking for the ambulance. I thought that they were way ahead of me, because I had to get dressed before I could leave the house. On my way to the hospital, I called his parent's and mine. When I got to the hospital, the ambulance still wasn't there! I had beat them!

A few minutes after I walked in the hospital, the ambulance arrived. I was allowed into the Emergency Room with my husband for a few minutes, until they made me leave. I was told that his heart was not beating correctly. He had an abnormal rhythm called Atrial Fibrillation. His heart was beating at 204 Beats Per Minute (BPM) and then would drop to 50 BPM. It is a very dangerous condition. I was asked to leave his room, and my parent's arrived. I was escorted to the Cafeteria by my parents, while my husband was put to sleep, and underwent an Electrical Cardioversion. They shocked his heart twice, before they could get it to beat right. We were sent home soon after , and our new adventure began.

Over the next 3 years, we would have 3 kids (including baby boy), 3 miscarriages, 6 heart surgeries on my husband, a trip to Minnesota to the Mayo Clinic, countless doctor's and appointments, and FINALLY the one doctor that could actually help us. When we were in the middle of this journey, my husband could no longer work. I could not leave him home. We were stuck. My husband was very sick. His heart could not beat right. He was eventually diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation, Atrial Flutter, and AV Nodal Re-Entry Tachycardia. These are all problems that older people have, not a 23-27 year old. My husband was fainting a lot. He was fainting anywhere from 20-60 times PER DAY!

I remember running across the neighborhood to a friend's baby shower when I was pregnant with our second son. Our oldest was napping, and usually slept for about 2 hours, so I helped my husband to the couch downstairs, gave him the baby monitor, and told him to call me if he needed anything. I promised to be back before our son woke up. I was gone for about 45 minutes when I got a phone call from my husband's phone. Once again, it was not his voice I was hearing. Instead I heard our 1 year old quietly tapping his Daddy's face, saying, “Cake up, Daddy. Cake up. I wuv you.” My husband had heard the baby crying, walked up the stairs to get him out of his crib, walked back downstairs, and set him down before he passed out. My 1 year old was able to call me from my husband's phone. I still do not know how, but he called me, he stayed calm, and he did what he had seen me do countless times. I again raced to my car, and got home before my husband woke up. Luckily my son was fine, and my husband only had a small cut on his forehead from fainting. But I never left my husband alone again. Whether he had the kids or not.

During the time that my husband was sick, I was lost. I didn't know how to find who I was. My life was not anything that I had ever dreamed it would be. I had never thought of losing a total of 4 babies, having 3 babies, and watching my husband have 6 heart surgeries. I became a caretaker at 20. I was making sure that my husband stayed alive. I knew (and still do know) how to read EKG's without ever taking a class, or being taught, because I had to. I could check my husband's pulse and tell him what was happening, whether his heart rate was normal or out of rhythm. I knew the signs to look for before he fainted. I knew the side effects of many new medications. I could fill out his medical papers in record time. I carried around a zippered folder with ALL of his medical records inside it, just in case we met someone that might be able to help him. I drove. I cooked. I cleaned. I raised the kids. I lost me.

I think that no matter what our life holds for us, we all have times that we lose ourselves. The key is finding ourselves again. I found that I am actually pretty handy in the kitchen! I started baking, and making up recipes, and serving others. I found myself by looking outside myself. It didn't happen over night, and actually when I talk about it now, people didn't even know that I was having a hard time. Putting on that happy face when people were around, became my daily facade. Once I found who I was, I could fight for my family.

It wasn't long after I started doing things for me, that we were referred to a new doctor. He looked at my husband, assessed his symptoms and history (he looked through my binder!), and he gave us a diagnosis! He put him on a new medication. He did a test, and confirmed his diagnosis. My husband had A-Typical Narcolepsy. Within just 3 months, he had lost 60 lbs of water weight. We had been told by his Cardiologist that once we figured out how to help him get better, he would lose a ton of weight, very quickly, and he did! We knew that we were on the right track! Within 8 months of being put on the new medication, he was no longer fainting, and was allowed to return to work. We found a job, moved, and never looked back! It has been 2 years since the last time he fainted. It was December 9, 2011 that he woke up one morning, felt sick, and fainted. He never did that again. He has been lightheaded, and had to artificially raise his blood pressure, but he has never fainted again. The nightmare is over!

I learned a lot through the whole experience. I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I became other people's shoulder to cry on. I am the person that people call to ask medical questions to. I am the one that can usually answer those questions! I have heard stories from people that I was able to help just by being myself. I learned that sometimes it is okay to lean on others, and need their help, when our community raised $10,000 to send us to the Mayo Clinic. I learned that I can be me, and learn new things, and speak up about what I want/need. My marriage was strengthened. My children were strengthened. My faith in humanity was strengthened.

My story isn't over. My life isn't perfect. We still face struggles. My husband is on daily medication, to make sure he stays healthy. My oldest son has separation anxiety from seeing his daddy in the hospital so much. But We are no where near rock bottom. We've been there. And we can only go up from here!

To My Sister

My little sister got married in August of last year. It was a beautiful day. She chose a day that is 2 days before Little Man's birthday, which was nice for him, because he got to see his favorite Auntie! It was a hard day too. For my sister, it was the best day of her life so far! She was starting her family. She was  beginning a whole new chapter of her life. While I was and still am excited for her, inside I was hurting. I was watching my sister, who is only 3 years younger than me, start her family, while mine was not going to grow anymore. My family was complete. I had so many mixed emotions. I am very close to my little sister. I was so excited for her to get married, and then my whole world came crashing down, and I had to have a Hysterectomy. My sister tried everything she could to include me in things, and to make me feel better, and she did. If she hadn't been understanding, and thought outside of herself, I don't know how I could have made it through that day. She was the opposite of a Bridezilla. She made sure that through everything that was going on, she checked up on me, she made sure that I was recognized for things that I did for her. She made sure that I felt the love the I desperately needed at that time.

When we were growing up, we didn't have the best relationship. We fought a lot. We argued all of the time. We always were at eachother's necks. I have scars that prove how much we got along! But now we are the best of friends. I talk to her almost daily, and we share our secrets with eachother. She is my confidant and I am hers. I have shared things with her that I have only talked about with Hubby, and she somehow understands what I feel. She knows what to say to make me feel not only better, but sane!

One day I opened up to my sister about my feelings on having more children. I told her how sad I was that all around me, people are having babies, and one day she would too. I told her that I am going to be over the moon excited for her, but that it will be extremely hard for me too. I talked to her about my anxiety about how to deal with it all, and instead of her getting upset, or telling me that I was being petty and selfish, she looked at things from my perspective. She told me that when I was having kids she couldn't have kids, because she wasn't married yet. So in her perspective she was "infertile" during that time of my life. She said that it was kind of hard for her too, because she really wanted to be a mom and have kids, and experience pregnancy with me, but it wasn't possible. Instead of pulling away from me, she embraced it. She loved my kids like they were her own. She came to visit as much as she could. She bought things for my kids. Made things for them. Offered to watch them. She became their second Mommy. They love her. She loves them.

On that day, she taught me an important lesson. She taught me that I am not the only one going through a tough time. She taught me that I can look beyond myself, and help others and in turn help myself because of it. She has been a great example to me, and I'm so glad that I get to call her my sister, my best friend, and my family! I love you Little Sister!

Daily Stuggles

Yesterday I started this post, but it was pretty darn negative! I was having a moment yesterday. I was feeling beaten down by life in general, and just about ready to give up. But I am a wife and a mother, and I put a smile on my face, I cuddled my sick Baby Girl, I made yummy Spaghetti and Meatballs (homemade sauce and meatballs), read to the kids, and helped Hubby put them all to bed. By the end of the day, I remarkably felt better!

When I woke up this morning, I had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings I did yesterday. I really didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. I got up, I got ready (my saving grace everyday!), got the kids ready, showers and all, and put some soup on the stove (Chicken and Dumpling, cooked all day on low heat... MMM...). My day's are pretty redundant, take Tiny to Preschool, feed the kids lunch, take Little Man to Kindergarten, put Baby Girl down for a nap, get Baby Girl up from her nap, pick Little Man up from school, make dinner, Hubby comes home, eat dinner, reading time, bedtime! Then get up and do it all over again! It can be a daily struggle, to find the motivation to keep everything together day after day.

I find myself getting bored, or being on edge from the monotony of it all. I am short with my kids sometimes. I am short with my husband sometimes. I am short with myself most of the time. I feel like I come up short and that puts me in a bad mood. I can handle stress, I am normally very optimistic, and can put a positive spin on most situations, but yesterday, I couldn't do that. I couldn't think of a positive thing about anything yesterday. In fact, when I started this post, I wrote something like this,

"I grew up hearing things like this, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,' and 'God won't give you anything you can't handle,' and I've got to say, it's all crap! It's lies. Sometimes you get so many lemons that you run out of sugar, and they start to go bad, so they wouldn't make good lemonade anyway. And sometimes you get so much dumped on you at once, that it is way more than you can handle!"

Yup, I was in a great place, don't you think? Then I started listing all of the things that have gone wrong lately. Hubby applied for a job, got an interview, we drove 10 hours, stayed in a hotel, and still didn't get the job. We got our tax return back, and by noon the next day it was gone, paying off bills, which it didn't cover. Baby Girl got sick, and was in the ER on Tuesday night. It was a Very Positive post! (Hear the sarcasm?)

Anyway, I deleted the post. It was making my depressed. I can't imagine that I would want to sit and read all of the horrible things going on in someone else's life (unless it's something like someone being sick, and sharing their progress), but just reading about someone's daily struggles, and hearing them complain about nothing? I wouldn't do it, why would I want someone else to do that for me? I deleted it, and I put the computer away. I cuddled Baby Girl, I listened to her cry because she was sick, and I sang to her until she yelled at me to "'Top It Singing, Mommy!"

I focused on everyone and everything else! I focused on things that I could do. I can't control Hubby not getting a job that he desperately wanted, I can't control our tax return being used for bills, I can't control Baby Girl getting sick. I can't. I can control my attitude toward it all. I can sing to my beautiful daughter. I can make dinner for my amazing family. I can read one of my favorite childhood books to my kids. I can give Hubby a hug when he comes home from a stressful day at work. I CAN!

I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind, and I woke up this morning with just as much as I went to sleep with. Even though I prayed, and prayed, and put others first, those thoughts, those stresses, those uncontrollable situations were still there. I have daily struggles. Just like all of you. I have daily problems, that last much longer than a day. I have stresses. Period. I do. You do. Life is that way. And sometimes you are given lemons without any sugar to make lemonade. Sometimes you can't let go of those "lemons" until they have gone "bad" and you are forced to throw them away. Sometimes you are given too much to handle.

How are you going to deal with it?