I received a lot of responses from my last post about being enough in my own eyes. I had people ask me if I was okay, asking if I was in trouble, thanking me for my honesty, thanking me for putting into words what others feel, but can't say, and just saying, "I know how you feel! I've been there, too!"
It made me stop and think about what I put out there on the internet. What I put on my own blog. I kept being asked if I needed anything, and if there was anything anyone could do. I stopped writing for a while. I stopped, because I was worried. I worried about what anyone and everyone would think. I thought that what I would say or write would make too much of an effect too many people. I have realized the past few days that it is a good thing to effect people. To hopefully make a change, a positive change. What I say, what I feel, and what I think matters.
I am going to write what I think, and what I feel. If you don't want to keep reading, because you don't like what I have to say, that's okay. I'll write, and post, and share, and hope people read, but I will do it for me, not for you. I will write what is on my mind, and what is in my heart, and I am going to start today.
Lately, I have been thinking about friendships. I have had a lot of friends in my life. I have had a few good friends, many terrible "friends", and a small handful of really amazing friends. I have also been in each one of those categories myself.
Growing up, I tried to be the good and amazing friend, I tried to be there for the people around me, going out of my way to be friends with the kids that didn't have many friends, or that were "different", and sometimes they were the same way with me. Sometimes they would not, and I would end up broken down, and searching for new friends. In High School, I found those good friends. I had a group of friends that were pretty amazing. There was one person that wasn't a good friend, and I gave this person a lot of chances, probably more than he deserved, and ended up worse off for it. I leaned on those other people around me to hold me up, and keep me standing. But, I also wasn't a good friend to some those friends. I was a really bad friend. I lost friends that I loved deeply. I made horrible decisions.
I grew up, graduated High School, went to college, got married, watched some of those friends get married, and some of them not. I grew up. I reached out to those people that I had hurt back in High School, and I apologized. It took me years to find some of those people, but I didn't stop looking, and I was finally able to ask for the forgiveness that I have been searching for. I may never hear back from some of those people, but I asked, and I am trying to make up for it now.
I am lucky. I have 2 people that I am not related to (or married to), that are the most AMAZING friends I have ever had. These 2 ladies, know who they are, and if they don't, then I'm not doing my job well enough! I have known Jessica for almost 6 years, and she is incredible! She is my outlet, and go-to person, the person I would call if I killed someone and needed help moving the body (not that I would ever kill anyone)! She could always call me in the same situation. I feel like I can tell her anything and everything.
And I have known Lydia, for about a year, and she is amazing too. She helped me when I felt alone, and we became friends from our very first conversation! Our kids love each other, in fact, Tiny always says he is going to marry her daughter!
I have learned a lot about good friendships, and bad friendships, but no matter what I learn, I keep trying. I keep trying to put my best foot forward in every friendship. What would happen if everyone did that? And what if we all tried to ask forgiveness, and mend relationships? What if we wanted the best for everyone, no matter what?
I am still learning, I am still trying. I stumble, and I make mistakes, but I also succeed.
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