The Ugly Side

Everyone has a "face" or side of themselves that they like the world to see. Very few people walk around with every emotion they are experiencing showing in their expression, in their walk, the way they talk, and the way they are viewed from the outside. Most of us like others to see us as happy people. As positive in every situation. We like to say, as one of my close friends says, "Oh, we're hanging in!" Meaning we're dealing with a lot, but it's nothing we can't handle!

Have you ever heard the saying, "God won't give us more than we can handle"? I've seen a post going around that says that He will give us more than we can handle, because that is how we grow. I don't know if I believe either one of those statements. I believe it should say something closer to this, "God won't give me more than I can handle with His help." Doesn't that sound better? The other two make it seem like we are all alone. We are given trials, and hard things, and we have to face them by ourselves. How scary would that be? To have no where to turn? To have no one to just unload on? No one to lean on? No one to talk to. No one. I can't even begin to imagine that.

I haven't been posting in a while. My family moved to a new state, around people we don't know. In an area that I had never been to or heard of before about a month before the move. We moved into a 2 bedroom house. Yup 5 of us, in 2 bedrooms (it's awesome). Hubby started a new job, Little Man started a new school, Tiny and Baby Girl stayed home with me. It was hectic! Then as we got settled, I got sick. I had this terrible pain in my back. It got to the point that I couldn't get out of bed, or drink, or eat with out pain. I finally went to the ER and they told me that I had several cysts on my right ovary that had ruptured. I also had Endometriosis grow into those open sores, and one more cyst that was bigger than a golf ball that would either keep growing, or rupture. It was no fun. I went home on lots of pain meds, and tried to get better. Some amazing people in my ward watched my kids, brought us dinner and checked up on my daily, but these were all people I didn't know, so I tried my hardest to put on my "we're hanging in" face, and smile while they were around. I felt pretty darn alone.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress because of getting sick. It brought up a lot of terrible memories from a year ago (which by the way, it's been 1 year since my Hysterectomy), and a lot of anger that I would still have those problems without the benefit of ever having a chance at having another baby.  I admit that I still do have that anger, and sorrow inside me. I am not over it, or past it. So I have been thinking a lot about the image that I put out to the world, and the saying that I posted above.

While I have been feeling "alone", I never have been alone. I received many blessing from Hubby and even one with my Dad's help. I always know that I have someone that understands me. There is always someone that I can show all of my emotions to. That I can let my anger out, and know that I am being heard for what I really feel, and that He understands my heart more than just my words.

I am finally all unpacked, clothes all washed and folded and put away, pictures hung, and food in the fridge. I am physically feeling better. I am doing what needs to be done. I am playing with my kids, and enjoying them while they are young. I am spending more time with Hubby, we're putting puzzles together, and playing board games. I am making dinner and lunch everyday. I am reading my scriptures. I am praying more earnestly than I ever have in my life. I am trying. BUT in the back of my mind, there is this feeling that will not go away. This feeling and thought that says that I am not good enough, that I am less than others, that I am broken. This is a thought and feeling that I struggle with everyday. I cannot remember a day in the last month that I have not cried because of it. I have conversations with Hubby about it, and with God about it. I tell them my thoughts and my fears. I show them the "Ugly Side" of me. I show them the side that no one else sees.

We are never alone. We struggle through hard things. We try our hardest, and we do our best. We falter. We stumble. We fall. We try to get back up on our own, but it is when we are on our knees that we are able to look up, and see the Savior's hand reaching for us. All we have to do is grab it. All we have to do is believe. All we have to do is trust. All we have to do is keep doing our best. He will take care of the rest. I am still learning how to do all of that. I am still learning how to turn all of my fears over to Him, but I am trying my best, and I am reaching for His hand, just like He is reaching for mine.