Loss...

Many of you know already that I have had 4 miscarriages. I have never had a D & C for my miscarriages, but I have felt the loss and sting of losing a prayed for child. It is more painful that anyone ever gives it credit for.

Before Hubby and I were even engaged, my doctor told me that I needed to get pregnant within 1 year. He told me that it was going to be a miracle if I could get pregnant at all. Well, I went to then Boyfriend, and basically said, "Hey, are we going to get married? Because if we are, then we need to now, and if we aren't then I'm going to find someone that does want to marry me!" (Kinda forward, I know) He said, "It's not time for us to get married yet, but one day, we will." It was on December 8 of that year, that he proposed to me! YAY!

We got married 2 short months later, and then the hard stuff started! I had a dream, I say dream, but I really mean nightmare, I woke up very upset. I dreamed that I had twins. Twin boys. But one of them died, and the doctor wouldn't let me hold him. He took him away, and I only got a glimpse of his sweet face. He was perfect, and he was beautiful. He was everything and more than I had ever asked for or wanted. But I didn't get to keep him. I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get to touch, or feel him. I didn't get any of that.

I woke up crying, I was so sad and so upset. Hubby didn't know what to do. We were newlyweds! We hadn't been married for more than 48 hours, and here I was saying that we needed to have a baby right now! We waited about 2 months before we officially started "trying", and it wouldn't take too long until we were expecting!

We were so excited, and both of us were absolutely positive the little baby I was carrying was a boy. We both knew it, and were elated. We were like a lot of people and wanted to wait until we were 13 weeks along, and out of the "danger" zone of the 1st trimester before we told anyone. But we never got that chance.

In August, I lost the baby. We were crushed. It was very hard, and very sad. I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that it was my fault. I am supposed to be able to carry a child. My body is made to carry a child. But here I was childless, and unable to do that. Hard. Very Hard. It was a dark, dark time for me. We moved around the same time as our miscarriage, and started our lives over. I wanted a baby so much, and so did Hubby. We were in that mechanical, we're-trying-but-we're-losing-ourselves-in-it, phase. It wasn't until December that I got pregnant with Little Man. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem like we tried that long, but when you're in the mist of it all, believe me, it is a long time!

After we had Little Man, we decided not to prevent getting pregnant again for too long. We lost 2 more babies before getting pregnant with Tiny. He was a blessing, and came at the perfect time. But the loss of those 2 babies are forever imprinted in my heart.

We had Baby Girl just over a year after Tiny. She came before any miscarriages, which I am thankful for. But when she was only 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact we were trying to NOT get pregnant. This little baby was coming though. She was coming. We were very excited once again, but before we told anyone, she was gone. Just as quickly as she came, she left. Baby Girl's little sister was no more. She was one more scar on my already taped together heart.

Two days after Baby Girl's 2nd birthday, I had an emergency Hysterectomy. I can no longer have children. I will never again feel the flutter of life  in my tummy. I will never feel the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test again. I will never hold my newborn baby close to my chest again. I will never hold my newborn flesh and blood again. I am 26. I am forever infertile. I am forever barren. I have no chance of ever becoming a mother that way again.

But I will become a mother again. I will! I have lost 4 babies. I have 3 amazing children now. I have a loving husband. I have a great life. I have a righteous desire to become a mother just one more time. We will be adding one more child to our lives, and to our home. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but we will. We will adopt a child. We will. One day. I am looking forward to that day. I am praying for that day.

My loss has been hard. I pray for those little babies every day. I cry for them, and I miss them. I know they are waiting for me, and I just have to hold up my end and live faithfully, so that I can be with them, and raise them, and love them, and hug them, and hold them. Even though those losses were and are hard, I am learning from them.

Loss is something we all have to deal with . It is something that we all have to face. But not in the same ways. We all go through these hard things. We all experience something that we feel like we can never get through, and that no one will ever understand, but by going through those things, we are able to relate to someone else when they go through hard things. We are given certain experiences to give us experience. To build our faith.

Life is hard, but it is worth it!