I Am A Horrible Example

Growing up is hard, don't you think? I know that when I was growing up, a lot of things happened that really hurt my self-esteem. I had "friends" or people that I thought were friends that would turn around and tease me for things. I had a boyfriend that made sure I knew just how lucky I was to be in HIS life, and how easily he could walk away and date someone much prettier than me. (He was doing me such a huge favor by even being seen in public with me!) I had teachers that didn't always believe in me, and I had the experiences that most people do.

When you are faced with judgments, both verbally and non-verbally, everyday it is hard! I am grateful for the experiences I had, so that I can be empathetic for my kids, and I will know what to look for with them, and how to help them. But on the other hand, I really wish that I hadn't ever dated that guy, I really wish I could have understood who my "friends" were a lot sooner, and I really wish I hadn't taken EVERY SINGLE WORD to heart!

I have a problem you see, one that I'm sure some of you have too. I have seen posts about this problem floating around the blogosphere, and Facebook for sometime, and I am jumping on board the bandwagon! I am raising my hand, saying, "I have the same problem!"

Negative talk. Negative feelings about myself. Negative words spill out of my mouth about myself everyday. The thing is, I don't even realize I'm saying anything, or doing anything, until afterwards. Until my husband gets that exasperated look on his face, or a sad, "I wish you wouldn't say that, I think you're beautiful" is said. I say things so often, that I don't even realize it. I don't notice it. But if my kids say anything negative about themselves, or anyone else, I am always the first to correct them. The first to tell them to stop, or apologize, and say something nice instead.

It hurts me to hear my babies say anything bad about themselves or eachother. It hurts me. I can't imagine why they would think any of those things, or say any of those things without thinking them, when I think they are perfect. And it hurts. I created them. I grew them in my body for almost 9 months (All three were early)! I worked hard to feed them, clothe them, change them, tell them how amazing, smart, and cute they all are, and with one word, one phrase, they tear that all down. They take those building blocks of love that my hubby and I have carefully placed, and break them. One negative word can replace a thousand positive ones. Right?

I can have 10 people tell me that I did something great, and 1 person say that they didn't like it, and what do I go to sleep thinking about? That 1 person. How could I have done something different? What didn't they like? What can I change next time? Do I even want to try next time? Who cares about the 10 that loved it, when there was that 1 didn't.

I'm a horrible example to my kids. I am. I show them exactly what not to do, and when they follow my footsteps, I get mad at them. What kind of a mother does that? I have a lot of self image issues. A lot of them. I have a lot of self-doubt.

When I was in school, I had to be the best, just to prove that I was good enough at anything. I had to be the smartest, or at least make people think I was the smartest. I had to be right about everything, I had to be something. I wasn't satisfied being second at anything. Today I still have a lot of those same issues. I can't just sit and listen to a lesson in church, I have to add my 2 cents. I have to comment somehow, and if I don't get the "Right" response I think about how I could have commented better! How sad! In fact I made a comment a few months ago, MONTHS people, and I didn't say what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to say it, and I have been mulling over it for MONTHS!

I am telling you all right now, that I am not perfect. I am not the best at everything, in fact if you came over to my house right now, you'd see toys on the floor, laundry piled up in the laundry room, shoes out, dishes waiting to be washed, the whole 9-yards! My home-making skills are definitely lacking in that area. But just because I am not perfect, or the best, or number 1, does not mean that I am not enough!

I am enough. There are things I can and am working on. Like no more negative self-talk, don't get so upset about some toys on the ground, hug my babies more, and take time for just Hubby and me. But I am enough just the way I am. I don't need to remember every negative experience I had growing up. I don't need to remind myself everyday that I could stand to lose some weight. I don't need to do that. I am ENOUGH!

You are enough too. Always remember that. You are enough. There are people in this world that love you, because of who you are. Not because of who you can become, but who you are RIGHT NOW.

We are enough.